much like her apartment during this cold night, eunseo felt dim. it had only been a few days since she graduated, and she immediately had plans on moving out. it was worse, living by herself. she was really alone this time, without her parents, without anyone.
she laid on her windowsill, her back against the wall and her chin resting on her knees. "it's raining again," she sang, and a sigh escaped from her lips. even with the rain pouring down on busan, she could still see the stars outside her window, giving her a weak smile and a small sense of comfort. she had been happier these days, or at least tried to be, with the weather warming up quite a bit. it was still cold, though, and eunseo longed for winter to be over.
she observed the stars through her glassy eyes, and only wondered if they ever felt lonely and empty just like she did. despite being in constellations and all. she understood, and she could only wish that they felt alone sometimes too, because she wanted to share the feeling of solitary with someone other than herself. it was very often she lay there in a fever of sadness, expecting herself to cry, yet she couldn't. instead she felt this aching pain, a hollow feeling so deep than no tears would come. and she thought it was more than that, but somehow also less.
eunseo had been spending days locked up in her small apartment, avoiding contact with anyone, besides her (many) attempts at texting jungkook — which she ended with the conclusion of just giving up overall. it made her mother worried, because she had been ignoring her calls, as well, and she was only glad that she hadn't tried knocking on her door yet.
her fingers ran through her hair and she stepped off of her window sill, only to curl into her bed sheets. it was only around 6 and she was still waiting for her food to be delivered, yet she could fall asleep to the faint sound of the tv playing in the background — which she tried really hard not to do.
she didn't even realize her eyes closing until she heard a knock at the door, causing her to immediately to spring out of bed. she was starving, and the delivery took longer than usual so she didn't even hesitate to run to the door. "hello —"
"hey, 'seo."
her heart dropped. she couldn't help but become speechless when she looked at the boy in front of her, wearing a mask and his hoodie over his cap. his voice brought a tender feeling, yet sad. she longed for that nickname to be called again, but his mouth wasn't the one she wanted it to come out of.
"what are you doing here, jimin? i — listen, i'm really not in the mood to —"
"can i come in?"
eunseo sighed, stepping aside to let him in. he brought himself to her living room, with her tailing right behind him. he asked if he could sit, and she nodded, and he did just that, and she sat herself beside him. she wanted to throw up. it took her so much to try not to. her eyes stayed on him as he looked around, knowing that this was his first time in her new apartment. "how did you know i was here?"
he shrugged. "i went over to your parents' house, your mom said you were here. she's really kind, sweet." his words left a bitter taste in her mouth. it hasn't even been a long time since she last saw him, almost 3 weeks, and the last time wasn't exactly sweet.
"i heard you graduated last week." she nodded. "sorry i didn't come."
"it's not like you could've, anyway."
they sat in silence for a while. eunseo felt sick to her stomach, she wanted to cry and she wanted to puke at the same time. she didn't know what to say to him — no. she had so much to say to him, so many questions, but none of them would come out. she didn't know where to start.
it was almost out of habit. she didn't even think about it, didn't even know how it happened — but her hips brought themselves on top of jimin's, her legs straddled around either side of him. her kisses were sloppy, rushed, almost. they ran down his neck, and her fingers made their way to his hair. when her lips touched his, she expected groans to come from the boy below her, expected his hand to trail down her shorts (which were a little too short for him not to do anything). it was all too easy. it was expected from him. so it took her by surprise when he pulled away, almost pushing her off. "no, let's . . . let's just talk."
she climbs off of him, returning back to her seat beside him. it was then when she felt wrong, dirty. wondered why she even let herself do that, why it was almost out of her own will. she felt awkward. didn't know what to do. it was the first time that they've sat together and had a real conversation, and it was almost out of place for the both of them.
"how's jungkook? i haven't talked to him in a while." his voice soft, pensive.
"i wouldn't know." eunseo hated that. how he sounded like he even remotely cared about him, and of course he cared, but it was all too foreign to her. it was foreign to him, too. he knew that jungkook liked her, and never meant to be in the way, never put it to mind despite the younger even talking to him about it.
"have you talked to him at all?"
she shook her head. "no. i mean, i've texted him, a lot. and he never responded. i just, gave up eventually. even told him i hated him."
"did you mean it?"
"of course i didn't mean it."
a little smile comes upon his face, and he bows his head, starting to fiddle with his fingers. he looks back up at her, that same smile on his face, and she couldn't help but smile, too. "why'd you come here, jimin?"
"i don't know, mostly because i'm alone," he laughs, looking down.
"jungkook left for seoul, taehyung went to daegu. i mean, you're kind of the only one i have." he laughs again, and eunseo tried hard not to let him see her frown. he's sorry, almost embarrassed. for confessing to her like this, when they've never even talked this way before. "sorry. for spilling out my emotions like this—"
"no, it's nice. it's comforting, in a way." she scoots closer to him, only to take his hand in hers and wrapping it with her other. she gazed at him with so much pity in her eyes, and he looks up again. it made her heart ache. it didn't hurt, not for her, but for him.
it was a monday night, and neither of them knew what they were doing. it was very questionable of them, being in each other's presence. yet, neither of them minded it. it felt nice, sharing their solitude with someone else rather than the stars that night. they cherished this warmth between them while they had it, because they knew that this would be just another moment. a memory.
"whatever happens happens. we're adults. it's life. we're growing up."
—
a/n: hello after more than a month :-) this chapter was extra long so i hope you guys enjoyed!! ps:
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