Holding On||Peter Hayes (Divergent)

Chapter 36

Hey so I was in the middle of writing this chapter and I was like 'hey, there's a song that kinda fits in with this'! So the song is 'Never Be Like You' by Flume ft. Kai. I really like this song and it's the one I listened to whole writing this, so enjoy!😂❤️

I sit outside that evening, huddled against one of the exterior walls of the house my friends are sleeping in. The night air whips my hair, sending it into a tangly nest. Every part of me prickles from the cold seeping it's way into me. I really should go inside, but I don't want to face AJ. Earlier, we received out attack groups. I'm with AJ, Four, Uriah and Tris and we're going to be heading to the control rooms. I've thought of asking Evelyn or Tori to switch groups, however it will just show how much of a coward I am. AJ already thinks I'm pathetic. The last thing I want to do is add onto the stream of thoughts running around his mind about me.

Usually, I'd sleep off stuff like this. But I can't sleep, no matter how hard I try I can't close my eyes and drift into slumber. There's a icy, harsh feeling inside me that forces me awake. And when I'm awake I feel like a ghost wandering the city I'm never allowed to escape. Everything changed since Peter left me, then my first fight with AJ, and finally I rendered myself into a state of lifelessness after Marlene.  Now everything that happens adds onto the dullness inside of me, making me dread life even more. I'd like to talk about it, in fact I'd like to scream it to the world, but I can't.

"Jones? What the hell are you doing out here?" Peter asks. I look up at him and see the unease on his face. "It's cold, get inside."

"Why're you out here then?" I reply.

"It doesn't matter. I'm going in now, and you better follow me," Peter walked away and turned the corner to the front of the house. I stayed outside, hugging my knees and leaning my head against the wall, staring at the direction Peter walked off in. I'm glad he's gone, the last thing I want to do is feel myself slowly deteriorate with my ex-boyfriend watching me. I hear footsteps and Peter's figure emerges from the corner. Speak of the devil.

"What are you doing back here?" I glare at Peter. He stands in front of me, hands in his pockets.

"You look awful, get inside and sleep," he outstretches his hand for me to grab.

"I haven't been able to sleep for days," I reply. "And thanks for the reminder of how ugly I am, you can lead yourself and your satisfaction inside." Completely blanking my words out, he sits next to me, one leg arched and the other outstretched. I groan and turn to look him in the eye. "Go away, Peter. I want to be alone."

"I'm not here because of you," Peter says. "I've kinda given up on trying to have a normal conversation with you."

"Then why stay?" I ask.

"Lynn and Uriah made me go back out and find you."

"Oh."

"And I'm not allowed in until you're inside," he sighs. "So you're stuck with me." He looks to me and gives a one sided smile. I give him a small smile, just for his sake. No words are said afterward. I don't like the silence, however. It makes me think, and the more I think the more deeper and darker my thoughts get. But I don't want to talk to Peter. I glance at him slyly and see he's alright sitting quietly. I think he wants to stay this way too. There's less of a chance of an argument. Though I do feel bad he's stuck out here with me. Shall I talk to him or not? Anger or kindness? I don't think sulking around with Peter always around is going to help me in anyway, so I speak up first.

"Are you okay, after the Edward thing?" I ask.

"Yeah," he replies. "I... it doesn't matter."

"Okay," I say.

"What about you and AJ?" He questions me. "I saw what happened - he ran away, you tried to drag him back, he pushed you down."

"That's private." I snap.

"Okay," Peter nods. "I just wanted to see if you were alright."

"Why? Why d'you care?" I blurt out my thoughts. I don't understand how Peter can still care about me when I've lost all feelings of love towards him - or at least I think I have. As said before, I'm confused. Peter sighs heavily, running a hand through his hair. He looks exhausted, like he'd rather fall asleep than sit out here with his insomniac ex-girlfriend.

"I still love you." Peter admits, facing away from me. "I don't know why, but I still love you, even if you don't. It fucking sucks that I do, you know that? That I love you and you hate me. I can't stop loving you, and I don't think I ever will stop." His words stick in my head like superglue. Peter Hayes, commonly known as a heartless monster, still loves me. Even though I ignore him and blame him for the way I am. I don't know what to say, or do, because I'm still trying to figure out what I feel.

"I've been with other girls before," he continues, "but you... I got attached. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I fucked up, and I miss you. I'm so sorry, Piper." Everything I'm feeling turns into a storm of fury. I don't want him to care. Or miss me. Or feel as if he's attached to me. I hate it because it makes me feel guilty for leaving him like this when he should be guilty for hurting me. I should be angry, despite his attempts of kindness and his bravery when he saved me, Four and Tris from Erudite. I want him to let go of me so I can let go of him. But he's making it difficult and that makes me even more mad.

"I'm still angry." I say shakily. "I'm not going to forgive you, not now and not for as long as I know. Just... just forget about me. Let me go."

"You don't understand," he sighs. "I still care -"

"Quit telling me that you love and care and miss me." I snap. "I know, okay? You can't keep holding onto your feelings towards me. You're going to find someone else easily, trust me. Pretend I don't exist -"

"You make it sound so easy, you know that?" He says curtly. "Don't tell me what I can and can't feel. I'm not telling you to forgive me and love me back. I know you're still angry, and I know we aren't getting back together -"

"We sure as hell aren't," I scoff. "You took my virginity and then left the next day -"

"I wasn't going to leave without you!" He turns his head and scowls. "I wanted you to come with me. I wasn't thinking straight when I called the Erudite. I never wanted to leave you. You should know that."

"I already know!" I exclaim. "I figured it out. But it doesn't make everything okay because you still went with them. You could have left and went after me -"

"I couldn't just leave! I was working closely with Jeanine, she'd kill me if I left her."

"I would have walked out." I say quietly. "I would have went after you."

"You don't understand -"

"I know I don't, but I'm trying to! You want to fix something between us, right?"

"You're making it hard to! To be honest with you, I don't think this'll ever work out with you dwelling on the past. It's you who should try and let go!"

I stare at him, taken aback. His words make me think back to AJ, when he told me I should let go. I guess that's my problem: I can't let go.

"I didn't mean that..." Peter says.

"It's okay."

A long silence followed. It was Peter who broke it after about three minutes. "Piper, look, I regret what I did so much. It sucks that you hate me now and I wish I did things differently, but..." Peter runs a hand through his messed up hair, "I don't know anymore."

"Me neither," I close my eyes and sigh with exhaustion. "Maybe... maybe we're better off without each other."

"I guess so," he replies.