Holding On||Peter Hayes (Divergent)

Chapter 61

That night I don't sleep well at. Or the nights following. I'm glued to my bed for at least two days, ignoring anyone who tries to talk to me. The only time I ever leave is for the bathroom and the occasional snack, only if my hunger gets the best of me. Even then I minimise all interaction. I don't think I can get a single word out if my mouth without my voice cracking. I've already embarrassed myself enough.

My mess of a mind is mauled by recollections of Tris, Uriah, Lynn, Marlene, my mother and Adam. Tonight is the probably one of the better nights I have had. The others are unexplainable. Being surrounded by the darkness of my mind and surroundings sends me plummeting into pits of agony and stress. Tonight, I don't feel as affected. Disappointingly, I think I have accustomed to it.

I decide not to lie down for any longer so I arise and slip on a pair of shoes and pull my usual navy blue bomber jacket around my body. Trying not to make any sudden noises and wake anyone, I exit the room and enter one of the hundreds of long hallways in this establishment until I finally reach the centre of the Bureau, which suffered most damage from the explosion. A humungous gaping hole still remains in the front wall of the entrance, allowing chills of freezing night air to invade every nook and cranny of the building. The floor is still littered by glass shards and pieces of metal, but most of it is pretty cleaned up. I keep walking, staring at the ground.

Where do we all go from here? Christina and Four have left for the city but everyone else is still here. The rest of us can't reside here for any longer. It doesn't feel right. The Bureau isn't home: the city is - or Chicago, as Matthew and everyone else here likes to say. But after being desperate to escape and successfully doing so, why would I go back? I'd rather find somewhere completely different to stay. Every time the city pops into my head I think of the events that destroyed our city. And myself. I no longer feel like a Dauntless. Or Divergent. I'm just Piper. Piper with no last name or labels attached.

For some reason, I'm pleased with this. It's like a new identity. I no longer have to climb the highest building or do the most daring stunt ever to prove who I am. I no longer have to strictly wear black and eat Dauntless food daily. Only now I've realised none of us belong to a materialistic faction anymore. I always imagined myself growing up Dauntless, living my life to the fullest and dying as the bravest person to have ever set foot in the Dauntless compound. It was what most Dauntless children dreamed of. Now, I don't have to be brave just because of a manifesto and fear of being left factionless. I can be weak when I want, I can be smart, truthful, selfless and kind because you don't need to be told to do so.

It's human nature. So all that time I spent concealing my feelings was pointless. I wish I realised this sooner, or I wouldn't have damaged myself to a point as extreme as this. I treated myself as though I wasn't human. These factions went completely against human nature, constructing us to act certain ways to act just to cure our damaged genes. Sure, they may have helped cure some people's genes, but the experiment fell apart eventually. It just proves you can't make someone act a certain way.

Just like I cannot make Peter want to remember all the things he's done.

I stop walking and hug my arms around my body. Why am I being so selfish? I'm just like my mother: I made Peter wait on something he desperately wants to do, and I've barely given him a thought since. He doesn't deserve me. Hell, he doesn't even need me. I had been so cruel to him these past months. I've ignored him, played with his heart, broken him, gave him mixed feeling and completely hated him. And after all that, we still love each other. I can't believe I've stooped so low and made him wait on me to accept something that just has to be. It's going to be hard for me to adjust to it, but if he wants to do it then I should support him, not stop him. If he wants to take the memory serum, he should. And I have to tell him that.