Tough Love

Part 2: I Can't Do It

Brian's POV

    I think I'm moving. I think someone's talking, and there's lots of beeping noises. Now someone else is talking - Sal. Then the other person, then Sal. He's worried, and I don't like that one little bit.

    Finally my eyes open, but everything is going in and out of focus and my head is pounding. "Sal?"

    "Brian! He's awake!"

    "Yes, I see that," comes and irritated female voice. "Brian, can you hear me?" I nod. "Can you see me?" A few seconds later I manage to focus my sight and find that I'm in a moving ambulance, laying on a gurney. Sal and the paramedic are both staring at me.

    "Yeah?"

    "I'm going to help you sit up. Come on - there ya go." When I get situated and the nausea goes away, I look at Sal.

    "What're we-" Then I notice his hand is being tended to by another paramedic. "Oh god, Sal, your hand!"

    "I'll be alright. Hopefully..." I can see that he's trying to be brave for me, so as not to scare me, but I can see the fear in his eyes. "I'm worried about you. Are you okay?"

    I think back and remember why I'm in an ambulance at all. I had fainted because I... I... A heart monitor starts going crazy; probably because it's hooked up to me. "DID I JUST KILL SOMEBODY?!?!?!"

    "Babe, shut up!" The medic had hit a particularly sore spot on his hand and he winces. "Joe, Murr, and Faith are talking to the cops right now. We're claiming self defense - my hand is enough evidence for that, let alone having several witnesses. There's no way you're going to jail, so chill out."

    "CHILL OUT?! Sal, I just shot someone! I shot someone!"

    "I understand that, but you were protecting people! Murr, Joe, Faith, your unborn child even! And me! He was trying to hurt each and every one of us, and you ended it. You're a hero, really."

    That's cool and all, but he doesn't get it. You don't just kill someone and walk away from it feeling like a hero. Don't get me wrong, I'm relieved that everyone else is okay, but... I'm not okay. Not at all.

    We arrive at the ER shortly after that conversation/freak out and are both lead through some hallways; Sal walking and I in a wheelchair. I insisted that I'm alright to stand, but the nurses explained to me that it's protocol for stuff like this. Anyways, since all I did was faint, they focus mostly on Sal's hand. A quick surgery was performed to remove the bullet, and now I'm sitting next to him as he lays on a hospital bed, high as fuck from the pain meds. Joe, Murr, and Faith show up shortly after.

    "So Sal," Joe starts, "How's that hand doin'?"

    "I don't feel anything, motherfucker." Sal always did become more paranoid and angry when he got high. So I answer Joe's question more thoroughly for him.

    "There was some nerve damage and a couple fingers broke at the knuckle, but nothing that won't heal up in a few weeks."

    Suddenly Faith bursts into sobs. "This is all my fault!" This is so unexpected and no one knows what to do, so we don't do anything. That is until she storms out into the hallway and Murr turns to me.

    "You should go talk to her."

    "What? Why me?"

    "Because, uh, well she is pregnant with your kid. Imbalance of hormones and everything, y'know." Oh, right. I had nearly forgotten about that part; pushed it to the back of my mind, actually. I'm still not sure what to think of it, other than I'm definitely not ready to be a father; especially with her as the mother. But Murray's right, so I follow her out and find her sitting on a cheap sofa with her head in her hands. Sitting next to her I awkwardly place my hand on her knee, but she flinches so I pull it away.

    "Hey, I... I know how you feel."

    "No you don't."

    "Maybe I don't, but I do more so than others."

    She looks up at me with angry, bloodshot eyes. "You think only slightly being aware that you're being raped is bad?" The calm, daringness of her voice stumps me. Of course it's bad! But... "You wouldn't even be able to imagine what he's done to me. I would never wish that upon you, but now you are a part of this shit, and that's the worst part for me. Knowing that you've had the smallest taste of what I've went through... that's what's eating me."

    "And you know what eats me?" She doesn't answer, but instead keeps staring at me. "Seeing you in this pain, and knowing that I can't do anything to help. I hate that you're pregnant by me without making the choice. Our relationship didn't last, and it wasn't much to begin with, but it was enough for me to care about what happens to you. And our kid. So excuse me if I don't know everything, but we are going to have to be adults and talk to each other if we're going to be parents together."

    Finally, the anger dissipates from her eyes only to be replaced by sorrow and guilt. "I'm sorry. But... Q, I can't be a mother. I'm not ready..."

    "I'm not either, but we're both gonna have to suck it up and learn fast."

    Before I can continue, she's shaking her head no. "It's not just that I'm not ready. I'm not fit. I don't make enough money, I'm constantly busy with school, and I don't even know how long I can keep my job. I have no friends or family to help me, either. Besides you, of course. I'm just... I can't do it Q. I can't." A choked sob escapes her as her head goes back into her hands.

    "Hey, hey there, shhh..." This time she doesn't flinch when I put my arm around her. "It'll be okay. I'm not one of those guys to not pay child support."

    "Q, you're not gonna pay child support because you'll have full custody. I'm sorry to just dump this all on you, but it's what's best for our baby.  You have to raise it; not me. I'll help where I can..."

    "W-what?" It was one thing thinking we were going to have equal custody, but now she's not going to do anything?

    "You heard me."

    "Faith, the kid will need it's mother. Whether you like it or not, we're both stuck in this mess, and we can't let the kid suffer for it." She can't make me do this on my own, that's not right.

    "Brian, don't you get it?!" Again, she looks up at me frustrated. "I'm not financially, physically, or mentally okay to be a mom! It's not that I don't want to; I want nothing more than to have a big happy family. I'm not even upset that I have to share it with you and probably Sal. But I can't do it right now! And the court is going to tell you the same thing when we go in for all of this. They're not going to allow me to have custody. It's either going to you, or foster care, and I do NOT want it in foster care, and I'm pretty sure you're on the same page. Right?"

    She is making a lot of sense. If she's really in that big of a rut right now, our baby will have to live with me. Of course I'm okay with that... I just didn't think I would be so alone. "Yeah... you're right... Just... let me know if you need anything." I go back into Sal's room, and I think she leaves because she doesn't come back in.