Don't Say Anything (boyxboy)

Chapter 17

I couldn't sleep. No matter how hard I tried to sleep I just couldn't keep my eyes closed. It was around four in the morning and I had to be up for school by seven. But sleep and school weren't technically on my mind at the moment. I just felt so alone. I couldn't turn to anyone with what was bothering me either and I just felt like I wanted to cry.

My head was stuck on Vic. My thoughts all led up to one problem and that was Vic. How could he...how could he do that to me? To himself?

My room felt like it was starting to suffocate me because everywhere I turned I'd have a memory of Vic and in a sense it felt like I had lost him. And that-...that wasn't something I could handle.

Before I knew it, my chest felt like it was starting to cave in and everything started to hurt. I tried getting to my dresser but all I managed to do was fall to my knees halfway there.

My eyes burned and everything was blurred out by the dozens of tears clawing at my eyelids, begging to be let out so that I could just say fuck everything and let all my pain and anguish be released into the world but I just couldn't.

I was so pathetic.

I couldn't bring myself to cry but I could let myself collapse to the floor heaving with an unbearable pain in my chest and my eyes nearly swollen shut with tears.

A morbid sob slipped from my lips as I curled into myself on the floor, holding my knees. There's so much pain in the world. There's just so much. And there are people out there trying so desperately to make it better. And they're killing themselves over it because they realize that they can't. They don't like to admit to anybody, but each day, when they come home and lay down in bed, they just start crying. They cry and cry and cry some more because there's no one there to help them even though they're trying their hardest to make things right despite the fact that they didn't make any of it wrong. But even then they'll get up the next morning and act as if nothing was wrong last night and that they're okay and fine when really all they're doing is lying to everyone and even themselves. They hide and bury their feelings until one day after repeating the same process of saving millions each day whether they know it or not they just finally give up and let it all out and then they-

They just give up.

They give up and let go.

And right now it feels like I'm doing the same.

I don't need to be in the same situation like all of those other people. I never saved anybody. I have no right to be feeling this way or even compare myself to them. But I do have a right to my emotions and although I've never saved anybody I sure as hell haven't killed anybody either.

I couldn't stand what was happening to me. I couldn't think, it hurt too much to do that and I could barely breathe. All I could do was let out pathetic sobs I couldn't understand why I felt like things were falling apart all around me but maybe that's because they were.

I tried so hard to keep my mouth shut. To keep Oli and Vic both content in my life. To let my mom know I wouldn't be a failure and that I'd make something of myself. To be the best boyfriend to Oli and the best best friend to Vic.

I had been focusing on other people too much and not myself enough because it all led up to now. To this exact point in my life where I knew I wanted nothing but the end. I was too busy focusing on others that I forgot about myself. I lost myself. And yet here I was, day whatever and I'm back to starving myself, I'm back to crying and being a wreck. I'm back to hating myself even though all I've ever tried to do is make others not hate me.

But I couldn't stop myself from hating me.

I rolled onto my back with my chest heaving. No one was home. It was just me. But even being here by myself was too suffocating.