I Can't Stop [Niam]

Chapter 5

Hey everyone! So, I got a question for you guys. Can one of you lovely people out there make me a new cover for I Can't Stop? I would really love and appreciate anyone who would.

Anyway, thank you again to all who is reading this! I love all you guys!

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It was dark when I finally woken up. It took me a while to recognize where I was and I could feel panic creep on me just as I realized I was in Liam’s room, in his bed. I could hear light snores coming from beside me and I looked over and saw Liam lying next to me. Wait, why am I in his bed?

Everything then came back to me. I remember breaking the mirror, being taken to the hospital, and having to get a cast. I remember the boys asking me questions on why I punched a mirror. I remember them teasing me about wearing Liam’s clothes. I remember Liam telling me that I fill out his clothes, sending me into a panic attack. That’s all I really remember and it still doesn’t answer why I am in his bed.

My stomach chose that moment to growl. When was the last time I ate? I turned towards the clock. It was one a.m. It has been at least 24 hours since I last eaten. I think around evening the other day? Maybe at lunch? I’m not quite sure though.

I shook my head and remained in the bed, ignoring my hunger. I turned on my side, fixing my stare on Liam’s sleep form.

If today proves anything, it proves that I need to cut down on my eating or find a faster way to drop the weight. I shouldn’t be able to fill out Liam’s clothes. He’s a good five or six inches taller than me and he is lean, unlike me. He’s all muscle and abs and doesn’t have an ounce of fat on him, while all fat, no abs or muscle.

Maybe that’s why I like him so much? I want to be like him. I desperately want to look like him. He represents what I should look like.

I shook my head at the thought. I knew that wasn’t the reason I like him. I’ve liked him before I noticed how fit he looks or how big I was compared to him. I like him for his smile, his laugh, the way his eyes scrunch up when he’s happy, the birthmark on his neck, his bushy eyebrow, his lips that I dream of kiss, his kind attitude, his ability to trust, the fact that he’s not screwed up.

I felt tears come to my eyes and a few of them slowly made their way down my cheeks. I am in love with my best friend and he will never feel the same. One, he’s not even gay and two, even if he was gay he would never go out with a disgusting fat arse like me.

All the tears burst out at that thought. I tried to cry as quietly as possible, but I seemed to mess that up, because Liam’s eyes popped open.

“Oh Niall.” He whispered. He then reached over and wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest and rested his chin on my hair.

I didn’t like the fact that he was touching me. He already knows how big I am, I don’t need to be reminded about it. But, I did nothing to move away from him, I didn’t have the strength to. Instead I burrowed my head further into his chest and continued my sobbing.

It took a while for me to calm down and once I did I pulled away from his grip. I staring at him, waiting for him to call me pathetic or disgusting or call me a fat arse and then demand for me to leave.

He was staring at me as well and after a few more minutes of intense silence he spoke up. “Niall, why did you have a panic attack? You haven’t had one of those in a long time.”

It’s true. I haven’t had a panic attack since I was ten. This is the first one I have had in seven years. I had them all the time when my mom died and Liam was there for every single one of them.

I shook my head. There was no way I was going to tell him the truth. “I don’t know.” I mumbled out.

He sighed. “It was a really bad one this time. I couldn’t calm you down from this one. It scared me Ni, it scared all of us, but especially me. I didn’t know how to calm you down this time. I have always managed to calm you down from one of those and this time I couldn’t. I felt useless.” He admitted.

I felt guilty after he confessed all of this. I could feel tears coming to my eyes again and I did nothing to stop them.

He reached out and wiped a few off with the pad of his thumb. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you Ni, but I do know something is wrong. You haven’t been you lately. You’ve distanced yourself. Your quieter then used to be and I never get to see you smile or laugh anymore. I can tell you are broken and it frustrates me that you won’t let me in. Please, tell me what’s wrong, let me fix you because I miss my beautiful, happy, Irish friend.”

I cried even harder and he waited for me to calm down enough to respond. “I…don’t think…I can be fixed…”

I saw a tear roll down his face and it broke my heart. He reached forward and kissed my forehead and pulled me into him again. “You can be fixed, I know it. I know I can fix you, but I’m not going to push you into telling me what’s wrong. I’ll wait, but you have to promise me you will tell me.” I just shook my head yes, but I don’t plan on telling him ever.

We laid there for a while; my forehead was tingling the entire while from where he kiss it. He never let go of me and I never got out of his grip. I felt secure in it, almost like I wasn’t broken. With his arms around my waist, I allowed myself to forget, partially, just how broken I am.

I wasn’t sure if he was asleep yet or if he was still awake, but I went ahead whispered to him. “I miss him to Li.” I felt his arms tighten around me and I knew he heard.