ACCIDENTAL

Chapter 1

"...Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, may their souls continue joined in heaven as they were on earth." Although the pastor's voice is merely a talking voice its frequency pierces as loud as a rock band concert in my ear drums.

After the funeral everyone's dispersed and I remain at the cemetery all by myself, shattered by this mind numbingly tedious experience between the graves of my late parents. I want to scream hopelessly hard but I seem to have in me no power at all to utter a single sound...I feel so damn lonely and futile right now.

My extended family from both families' side never really saw eye to eye on anything before, they have never even approved of my late folks' nuptial even if they had such an enthused, strong and admirable relationship.

God, but I feel so trapped in this horrible state of solitude and I can't help but let it all consume me and have me conform to the hollow depths of the capabilities of eternal fatality.
The funny thing is how both families are so overly fond of me as their grandson and cousin and the likes but, that's just the thing I can't put my finger on. How is it that they disapproved so much of my parents' nuptial covenant but they are in love with the idea and existence of their descendant?

The controversy of justice in this case is such a mind fuck, isn't it?

Well, in spite of that trivial controversial thought I do hold so much love for my grand parents too, they have always and I mean always been there for me. The vicissitude that lies before my understanding now is that nothing forces them to continue working together but me and, 'just me' seems to be such a trivial reason to keep the two feuding in-law families even talking.

At least I can be confident enough to say that I don't need any parental guidance or rather financial support since I'm old enough to take care of me now however, I still need them for emotional anchor.

At the age of twenty-five I have already obtained a master's degree in Mechanical Engineering and currently studying towards an Information Technology degree, majoring in systems analysis.

Yes, I'm quite the nerdy character and I have no time for futile and trivial pursuits and I thrive in feeding this brain 'till it experiences weight problems. My appeal to learn in every chance I get doesn't necessarily conclude a diagnosis for some sort of an asparagus syndrome which many people would like to believe I might be suffering from because I have no issues with approaching people to start an enthusing and apprised conversation with, let's take it to a social extreme, a stranger or a complete alien.

I do have those times where I'd go to a club or party to just meet new personalities and...get some new booty calls if I may just put he cherry on top. But, that is beside the point because I feel that I desperately need tons of TLC right now and I have no one to comfort me. No one to tell me that it will be okay. That people die all the time. This humiliating feeling feels like acid burning in my heart which is connected to my mind and causes serious brain damage as well. My whole world has fallen apart. My double impact inspirations, my admirals have been buried under this goddamn soil to ensure that even if there where a chance that they are still alive there would be no way of them escaping this Orthodox of human fatality. This is worse than prison!

"WHY? WHY? WHY?"

I can't help but wonder why God has forsaken me this way:
"Where are you now when I need you the most? God? Jesus? Where are you now, huh? Where are you man?"

Oh, God-Oh, God-Oh, God!

"How can you let me suffer like this and just watch? You are just like the rest of these fathers who neglect their children in times of grief. You're a fucking coward man!"