The Monster [H.S.]

Chapter 57

The funeral was

Strange.

Everyone wore black.
Everyone cried.
Everyone lay flowers by her grave.
Everyone cursed the Resistance.
Some even gave me a pat on the back.
Or a hand to hold.
Everyone mourned - one way or another.

But as I watched her heartless body sink to the ground I couldn't seem to fathom any emotion. After feeling so hateful, and then protective and then even loving towards her I couldn't seem to laugh, cry, smile or wince. But I don't even feel numb. I feel like I can't feel.

Or maybe I'm just numb to the numbness.

Harry just lay with me all night. No speaking, no joking, no laughing, just laying there with his arms wrapped around me from behind.

All I did was think about the family I once had and the family I could have now if it weren't for the war. If it weren't for my heart. And I can't seem to fight the feeling that it's me. It's my fault my family lay in the ground, mutilated one way or another. It's my fault for billions being wiped out. It's hard to even put into words how many things are my fault. All I can really do is say 

"Sorry, that's my fault."

Harry tells me I shouldn't blame myself, and that life just dealt me shitty cards. He says it's like when you play a game of Old Maid and I'm the unlucky one who was left with the Joker.

And oh, doesn't he laugh.

Maybe it's cause I didn't know her, really.
Or that she abandoned us?
Or that she had 2 forbidden children that seemed impossible to have and so were cursed from the very start.
Maybe I'm just heartless?

"Belle?" He whispers in my ear but I don't flinch a muscle.

I've been awake all night staring at the wall. Harry once told me he doesn't sleep but I now know that was just a lie. A way to intimidate me.

"Tell me what you want me to do."

Tick.

Tock.

Tick. 

Tock.

"I want you to end this war. Because I can't even remember what I'm fighting for anymore." I say with a tear falling from my eye and I push myself out the bed and slam the door behind me.

•     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •     •

Another day in bed with Harry coming in from time to time to see me. Days seem to just merge together and the motivation to enjoy them becomes less and less. And I love Harry, with my whole toxic heart, but each day I hurt him more and more but shutting him out. I hear his voice crack each time I tell him to sleep in another room or to stop coming to see me. I see his pain but I can't stop it because it's just a projection of my own. To stop his suffering someone needs to stop mine.

"Get up Belle. Please." He pleads by the door.

"Go away." My words burn.

"No. Is it your mum? Is that why you've stopped living your life? Tell me!"

"It's everything!" I scream, my body snapping up in bed as I reach my limit. "It's my whole life! It has no purpose other than death! I can't live much longer. We both know that. It's like having so-some terminal illness that has a cure but you can't take it! I can't live forever Harry."

"You're alive right now!"

"Only because you're all to scared to pull the trigger! If you want your prophecy so bad just put the fucking gun to my head! Do it!" I scream, lunging myself across the bed with my fists punching at his chest.