The Monster [H.S.]

Chapter 66

Why are your eyes green?" She whispers, and suddenly I feel her gentle fingers reach out and stroke her thumb along the skin.

"Why are yours blue?" I ask.

They weren't blue, but there was no way to describe them. They were like an infusion of lime and turquoise.

"Why are you so entranced by them?" I ask, thinking back to all the times I caught her staring when she thinks I don't notice.

"Because..they're different." She says hesitantly.

"Nobody here likes different."

"Nobody here has green eyes." She says, a smile pinching on her lips and I smirk in return.

"They told me you never smile. You always seem to smile."

"I'm not smiling." She defends.

"You are." I say smugly.

"No I'm not." She says more firmly.

"Do you want a mirror?! You're fucking smiling!" I half laugh.

"Well you're fucking laughing!" She half laughs in return.

"I don't laugh."

"Do you want a mirror?! You're fucking laughing!" She mocks, and I can't help but shake my head at her as a chuckle escapes my lips.

It's true; I don't laugh. But I laugh when I'm with her.

I've spent the last week reading through my diary, remembering every moment and feeling I had with her. It's like continuously falling in love with her and then grieving the loss of her over and over again and it fucking hurts. How could I do that to her? I wish I had just killed myself instead - however impossible that may be. 

Today is "The Cleanse". It's the day where I'm supposed to use all my power and strength to banish the human race from the earth. But how the fuck can I do that? How can I murder what Belle fought for all her life? I can't. I literally can't let her down anymore - I won't be able to cope with it.

The grief and guilt I feel is unimaginable and I've only myself to blame. I miss her long blonde hair waking me up in the middle of the night as it would be fanned all over my face. I miss her laugh that echoed through the room. I miss her smell and her touch. I miss fucking everything about her and I just can't wrap my head around the fact I killed the only person I loved.

In some ways it's not my fault - I was manufactured like a machine to kill her. The voices in my head screamed it whenever I was around her. My family who adopted me raised me to kill her - but it's not their fault; it's all they knew. I knew from the day we discovered she was the Prophecy that my time with her was limited.

In other ways it's completely my fault. I made her fall in love with me, stuck my hand inside her chest (twice) and ripped her heart out. I just never expected to love her back.

The past 2 years all make sense to me now and it took her dying, me being brainwashed to forget her and then remembering again to put it all into perspective. I was an out of control, selfish and evil animal. I loved her so much and I was never able to truly show it. 'Maybe in another life' I would always think to myself, but that's not fucking good enough. I should have figured it out in this life.

I spend half my days falling in love with Belle and the other half thinking about ways to kill myself for murdering her. The only thing that keeps me going is that I can't kill myself. I can leave Terrebit and humanity living together on this planet. Thomas will find one way or another to cleanse the earth of them and in Belle's honour I just can't let him. I just need to find a way to stop it without letting on to anyone that my loyalty bond to Terrebit has been broken and I remember how much I love my dead girlfriend. Should be simple. 

"And I'm sorry." I say, dropping my head to rest on the edge of the casket, my voice quivering. "I'm so sorry for everything I said to you. I didn't mean any of it. It was bullshit, all of it." I look up to her with tears brimming my eyes. "I thought you were dead and the last thing I told you was a lie." I shake my head. "I love you."

The first time I told her I love her came back to me 3 days ago. That one hit hardest. You'd think I'd have learnt my lesson after her first near death experience not to kill her as I wouldn't be able to live without her, but I went on to try murder her not once but twice. Pathetic. Pathetic conforming piece of shit.

"Harry" I hear Zayn's voice call my name and I look over to see him coming towards me. "What you doing out here?" He asks.

Here - on a bench at the edge of our sacred burial ground. Secretly I'm looking at Belle's grave in the middle, feeling closer to her but sitting away from it as to not let slip that I still love her. The sun shines on the engraved gold headstone and I sit under the trees in the shadows.

"Just came to see my fathers grave." I lie, and I see his eyes wander to Belle's headstone and my heart stops until he looks down.

"I wish you could remember her." He says.

"I do remember her." I retort. I always remembered her I just forgot all the good parts.

"I know mate." He nods and takes a pause. "I just wish you could remember how you both were. You bounced off each other. You liked her, really liked her, you know?"

"I loved her." I snap, and his brown eyes look up into mine. "Well, so I'm told." I look away from him.

"Yeah, you did." He breathes and pats me on the shoulder before standing up.
"I want you to know that even though you don't remember I'll always remember for you. You deserved to be happy with her and I won't let them erase that. They can't erase my memories."

I don't really know what to say as I'm not sure how I should react, but he doesn't seem to mind as he turns to walk away.

"Zayn." I say, my eyes firmly on her grave.

"Yeah?" He asks and I take a moment.

"Close your eyes, hold your breath, and count to 10, right?" I still don't look at him, praying he gets the reference. It's what he said to her when the Resistance cornered us into that stupid wooden shack before I, as she called it, 'exploded'. I loved her then and I know he knew I did - even if I didn't know it myself.

It takes a minute before I hear him say, "Right" and I look up to see a huge smile on his face. He knows. He knows I remember and I smile back.
"Come on. It's time." He states, my face falling.

I stand up, plucking a single daisy from the ground below me and begin to pick off the petals.

"I don't want to do this." I admit to Zayn as we walk back towards headquarters.

"There's no other way. They will skin you alive if you don't." He tells me what I already know.

"I wish we could split the earth - share it. Life would be so much simpler." I say.

"That or we had a spare planet lying around for the humans." He laughs and I find myself chuckling along with him.

And then we stop in our tracks. Looking at each other as the realisation hits us and just as it does I look down to the daisy in my hand with just 1 petal left.

I pick it off slowly and stare at it in my hand.

53 petals.