Thank You

Chapter 9: "Don't give up your youth, kid."

It felt like hours as I hid in my room and shut myself out from the world. My silence was broken when there were several vigorous knocks on the door.

" (Y/N)?" The muffled voice sounded like Armin, and he sounded very concerned.

I raised my head up and coldly answered, "Come in." My throat was dry but my eyes were wet with tears. But the tears didn't fall, they just stayed there, irritating my eyes.

Armin slowly opened the door making it squeak per usual. " Hey. Captain Levi told me to talk to you about something. Is everything alright?" He popped his head in making his blonde hair sway to one side. Then he slid his way into my room and closed the door softly behind him.

" Of all people to be concerned of my well-being, Levi would be about the last person, other than the floor, to be concerned of my health. " My voice was raspy and my head was hung in pure defeat.

" I was just as surprised as you were." He slowly sat down at the edge of my bed, keeping his sky blue eyes locked on me.

" Why did he want to check on me? Why does he care how I feel?" My face was as hot and red as it could be. I was so conflicted with emotions that I thought that I was going to get third degree burns on my face.

" Beats me. But Eren, Mikasa, and I were concerned about you. You ran off so quickly we were caught by surprise. By the time I caught up to you all you wanted to do was talk to Levi. Which you never want to do, so we figured something was wrong with you. "

It is true that talking to Levi was last on my list of things to do but it was important. It needed to know. " Hey Armin?"

" Yes?"

" What do you think is scarier; knowing or not knowing?" I looked right into his eyes. His eyes don't lie, no matter what he says I'll look right into his eyes for the truth.

He just shrugs in return. " Depends. Sometimes not knowing can drive you crazy, but knowing can also drive you nuts. So I guess it all just depends on what it is." He was playing with a stray string in my blanket.

I nodded my head in agreement. " Well,what if the one person you loved ignoring you because he only noticed the error you made.  What if you spend a good portion of your life looking for them wondering how or why they left you all alone? Which is better then?"

It was silent for about fifteen minutes before the silence was broken once again, " Both of them can be hard. Sometimes being ignorant and not knowing is better for your health. But, if it's something big like that then...well...only time can tell."

Time did, and you wanna know what it told me? You are alone once again.

I put my head back down and slowly began to speak, " The worst part about this, is that, now that I know... I wish that I didn't."

I clenched my fists, trying to contain myself. " I thought that if I found out, I would feel better. But now that I found out...I can't even swallow it."

Armin moved a bit closer to me and put his soft gentle hand on my stiff clenched one, " I know. The worst part of it is over now. All you have to do is not let it consume you. I know you're stronger than that." He put his other hand on his heart, " We are soldiers. Soldiers are strong. We fight for the ones who cannot. We fight for the ones who were hurt, we fight for the ones who never made it back. We salute the ones who risked their lives for everyone so that they can live in their houses and not worry about anything. That is our duty as a soldier."

" Yes but, soldiers are people too. People are not walls, people are not robots, people are not indestructible. We break under pressure just like anyone who wasn't in our line of work would. We can only be stretched so far until we become useless and eventually break." I stood up, my hands still clenched, "People can't possibly think that living inside a wall is considered normal! I know that we have to fight for our country but what have they done for us? More than just the country, what about my parents? What have they ever done for me, other than push me towards a dream that wasn't even mine? They deprived me of a childhood because my father was never what he wanted to be. WHY IS THAT MY FAULT?! WHY DID KLAUSS HAVE TO GO AND BE RECKLESS?! HAVE HE NO SENSE!? ITS DANGEROUS ENOUGH THAT WE LIVE OUR LIVES KNOWING THAT ANY SECOND WE COULD ALL BE DEVOURED BY A DAMN TITAN!!!" I was struggling to catch my breath and sat back down.

" I know our duty as soldiers is to fight. I know that, but does everyone else? It's not like I'm afraid of dying, I'm just afraid of dying and be remembered for things I didn't do. I want to die with honor and die a respectful death. Like a real soldier! But..." I lowered my voice until I was practically whispering. "I feel like my reputation as a soldier had been ripped away from me."

" I understand now." Armin got up, his eyes were now fired up with determination. " I understand you a little bit better now. All you ever wanted was a friend and a purpose of your own. You wanted to make your own path not paved by your parents." He turned to me and smiled, " You have that now. We are-- I am your friend, and I won't leave you!"

I saw the sparkle in his eye. I couldn't deny him, he looked so happy. " I believe you, Armin." I smiled at him and got up as well.

"Lets go back to outside. Eren and Mikasa are waiting for us." Armin gently grabbed my arm and we walked out to the others.

I don't want to be alone. Never again do I want to be in the dark.

While we were walking down the hallway I saw Levi walking in a weird manner. He was walking very stiffly, almost like we was angry. Not that's he's never not angry.

"Hello, sir!" Armin waved at Levi and he just clicked his tongue at us.

"Hello Captain." I waved to him, even though I knew that I just couldn't face him right now.

Levi stopped walking and looked at me with those black emerald eyes, " Have you slept lately? Eren told me he heard you getting up and walking around all night for a few days."

He looked as if he was confused that my eyes didn't look bright and shiny, " Not much but enough. Why sir?"

Levi and Armin both looked at me with concern.." Don't beat yourself up over it. People die all the time..you're a rookie. Erwin has a special way of doing things and you didn't fit that standard. Not that I really care but; why do you care so much about this? Why'd you let it eat you up for three years?"

"I can't ready understand myself to be honest. I look up to Erwin and having him chastise me kinda hurts."

"You're pathetic. Don't waste your time on, Eyebrows. He won't understand it even if you told him to your face. He's a commander and doesn't understand anything else. Don't waste your youth kid."

I asked him what he meant by that and all he did was answer back with a, "You're young and he's old. Its as simple as that."
I didn't bother asking for anything else after that and let Levi pass me. 

Armin got closer by my side. "What happened in his office?"

I get looking straight ahead and watched Levi walk away from us. "A lot. It's hard to explain in a short period of time."

Author's Note:

The image above doesn't really have anything to do with this chapter but I just think it's really funny.

Happy Election Day...!