Not real.

Chapter Three: Determination And The Conversation

*Katniss*

   After my sudden realization of why I was going to find Gale, I slept peacefully for one of the first times since the games. As I awaken I notice the moonlight coming from the window. The hallway lights are still on and I can hear soft strokes of a brush and the opening of fresh paint from the room next to me. Peeta is never found far away from me in case I have nightmares, which usually is the case. I guess since I had been sleeping so peacefully he never had the cause to turn from his work.
   On hunters tread I silently walk across the hall and watch as he paints a familiar face. Delly Cartwright. I had forgotten she had moved back to district 12 after the war. She'd paid a visit to us and I hadn't noticed how Peeta acted around her until now. His eyes lit up at her enthusiasm and bubbly personality. I had simply wrote it off as being excited at having a visitor but now...I believe it runs deeper than that. I don't blame him. I'm the farthest thing from a ray of sunshine like she is. I feel guilty for all the work I give him trying to make me happier or trying to calm me from nightmares or visions or depression. If he was with Delly he could be happy. Not weighed down by my constant bitter moods.
   I ponder this thought. If he was with Delly...he would be happy. Their personalities are so similar, so bright and full of life and opportunity. I can't help but feel like he might think he is obligated to stay with me as he beautifully paints a picture of her.
   She has a slight smile on her face as she looks down at a fresh dandelion she has picked. Her face is silhouetted with the sun that's setting behind her. And it's yellow rays make her blonde curls glow softly.
   I start to think about my recent dream. How I unconsciously pondered if my love for Peeta was real. Now I believe I understand. I do love him. But more as my best friend. I think we got so used to being together that we convinced ourselves our love was real when really it was something created by the Capitol. Yes, Peeta had had a crush on me since we were kids but that was before the games and the war and the nightmares. All we practically do for each other is comfort each other. And can't friends do that as well? Can't comfort be something without kisses and pleads for a family? So yes I do love Peeta. Because he has been there for me through many MANY things but I can not provide for him the love he deserves. But I think I know who can.
   I smile to myself as I take nervous breath for the conversation that's about to occur. I step into the room and place a hand on his shoulder. He looks down, embarrassed I caught him painting another woman. But I look at the painting with awe as it looks as if he had simply just taken a picture of her in the meadow.
"She's beautiful" I whisper.
His face floods in relief but he does t say anything. He looks at my face, contemplating what I might say next.
"Peeta," I hesitate but then remind myself that this will be good for both of us.
"You have been there for me and comforted me all these years. You have never ceased to try and cheer me up and love me but I have given you close to nothing in return. We are both so broken and damaged and I can't help but feel like I've been kind of a set back for you. Like you feel obligated to comfort me 24/7. But you deserve so much more. You deserve someone like her."
My words surprise him and he looks at his painting as he processes them. I continue.
"When I tell you that our love is real I'm not lying I just think that it's different than what we are saying. You have been one of the only people who has stayed with me always. But that fact doesn't mean that we have to be lovers. The Capitol forced that aspect of our relationship and now that I think about it, we just got so used to acting that way. We convinced ourselves we were "Starcrossed Lovers", but we never took time to think if we really felt the way we did. And Peeta, I do love you, as one of my only and best friends and we can still be there for each other, but I think it would be better for both of us if we let go of the lovers aspect. I don't deserve your love, she does. If we continue this, our brokenness combined might be even more damaging. And yes, everyone right now is a little damaged but we shouldn't have to spend our days dreading every waking and sleeping moment combined. Only waking up to console each other, and only falling asleep to awaken once more."
I smile at the next part.
"And Peeta I saw the way you looked at her when she moved back. It's was like the life and sunshine returned to your eyes. And if I'm right about how you feel towards her, I couldn't bear to keep those feelings from you."
   If Peeta's eyes were relieved before my speech they were even more now. He embraces me tightly crying happy tears into my hair. I laugh as he spins me around and cry some tears of joy as well. He sets me down and wipes my tears away, laughing himself. He kisses my forehead, "That was very profound Katniss" he says. I smirk and say, "I have my moments, your not the only one who can make a speech."
He laughs,"I guess you're right. You did end the rebellion after all! But Katniss while you were asleep in the hospital today, everything you just said crossed my mind. I thought about how I reacted at you and Gale's spot and I realized I didn't even know why I was jealous. It was like I'd been trained to. And I was so afraid that I was going to have to tell you first."
I stare in amazement at his response.
"Well I'm glad it's over with then." He smiles and hugs me again.
"Me too."
I hug him fiercely back taking in the warm smell of fresh bread and paint. I suddenly remember my plans and whisper, "I have to go."
"Where? And at this hour?"
"District two." I reply. Peeta smiles at me and shakes his head.
"You always were stubborn weren't you. The train doesn't come until dawn Katniss so unfortunately you'll have to wait but I'll walk you to the station AFTER you get some sleep."
I try to fight back but he won't take any excuses and reluctantly I give up and go back to bed.
   Around six in the morning Peeta arouses me and I throw on some jeans a T-shirt and my old hunting jacket and boots. I grab my hunting bag and Peeta and I head to the train station. As I get ready to board the train Peeta hugs me tight.
"Good luck." He says.
"You too." I reply. He lets go and slips a bag of a dozen cheese buns into my hunting bag.
"For the road." He winks and squeezes my hand as I board the train. I find my room eventually, and wave to him from the window as I watch district 12 fade into the distance.
Gale, I hope you're ready. I think to myself. I tell myself that no one, not even Snow, can take anyone else away from me. With the fight and determination restored in me, a smile is brought to my lips as I wait to see my hunting partner again.