Hold Me Closer

Chapter 5: Alex

     At some point in the night I remember sitting up utterly confused. All I could do for a few minutes was watch Sam sleep while I tried to catch my breath. I must have had a bad dream or something- I can't really remember what I was dreaming or why I woke up. I eventually got back to sleep- amazingly. When I wake up Sam was already gone.

     I don't know what I'm going to do about him. I desperately want to be on good terms with him, but I can't do that when he storms out of the room because of things I do. I didn't think I could make him that upset- though I should have guessed that something was going to happen.

     I shrug off my thoughts and get dressed in jeans and my warmest sweater- the one with every color in the blue spectrum on it. It's one of my favorite one. I don't have any class today so I plan on doing so studying- ugggh. I grab my books and try to stay focused on the words on the page, but it's just too boring in the room.

      I get up and open the window, but I close it again a few minutes later. I move to my bed, then the floor, and then back to the desk. There's nothing I can do to get comfortable or to help me focus. I look back at the page. I had barely read a chapter- if it was an actually interesting book I'd be done with it by now. I groan and lean back in my desk chair. It's really not fair. I never see Sam do any homework, but he seems to be passing all his classes. Maybe he's got some poor kid doing it for him.

      I decide to put on some music. I don't turn it up too loud in case there's still people in the hall or in their rooms. At some point my favorite Lana Del Rey song comes on and of course I have to sing along- not loudly though. The singing eventually turns into me sitting in my chair acting out a whole mock music video with dance. Very shortly after the song ends Sam walks in. I try my best to look like I was only studying and hope to god he didn't actually hear me.

      I give up trying to study and put my books away. I think about saying something Sam, but I decided it's not worth it- not to mention I didn't really have anything to say to him. I leave the room to go change. I end up leaving sweater on and just changing my pants- I honestly love this sweater. I open the door to our room and open my mouth to say something but I hesitate and just shut the door instead. I hate not being able to have a normal conversation with Sam- but that we ever really did.

     I pull at my phone and check the texts- I had two. One was a photo from my mom. It was a picture of them at some art gallery of something my dad had taken my mom out to. The other was from my boyfriend. It was guess a simple text telling me he hoped I had a good study day and telling me how much I missed him. I reply to him and grin like an idiot while I do it. I look up at Sam- he's busy doing something on his phone and I catch myself wondering what kind words texts he sends his girlfriends- still grinning. I scold myself for thinking like that. He looks up and I drop my smile and look back down at my phone. I feel my face heat up a little. He probably thinks I'm weird- if he doesn't already think so. I lay down and roll over covering my face with my hand. God, I'm such an embarrassment to myself sometimes. I'm almost asleep when I realize Sam turned the lights out at some point. That's nice of him I think before I drift off to sleep.