Hold Me Closer

Chapter 14: Sam

     What do you do when your heartbroken roommate that makes you question your sexuality falls asleep on top of you after crying over his ex boyfriend?  I have no idea. Right now, I watch Alex sleep. He's drooling on my chest. I would be disgusted but he looks way too adorable. At some point, when I'm completely sure that Alex really is asleep, I start smoothing his hair out of his face. It's so soft, I want to bury my face in it. I don't do it because it's physically impossible and also, I'm not a creep. While I watch Alex, I feel myself getting tired as well. At some point, I lean my head back and close my eyes. I fall asleep with Alex in my arms.

     When I wake up, Alex isn't there anymore. I sit up and look outside the window. It's raining. Great. I change quickly before I leave the room and call Ann on my way to breakfast. She answers the phone almost immediately.

"Soooo," she says, "You figured that homophobia issue out, if I understand your text correctly." I can hear her grinning.

"I guess I did," I say.

"You're in love with him?"

"I guess I am."

"And you were jealous of his boyfriend?"

"I guess I was."

She sighs. "Sam. I'm trying to make progress here."

"I know," I sigh too.

"Are you gonna tell him?" Ann is very excited about this. Maybe too excited.

"I don't know. I didn't even know I liked boys until yesterday," I snap at her.

"I'm very aware of that. I just want you to be happy."

"I know you do."

     I try not to think about it. It works in classes. It doesn't work when ex-boyfriend shots me angry glances on the hallway though. He's standing there with another guy smiling, but when he sees me his face falls. I decide to wave at him and smile like we're old friends. It makes him turn away from me. I smile to myself.

     I spend the evening with Alex, not talking about ex-boyfriends or new discovered sexualities. We're talking about classes, our families and everything else and I'm completely fine with it. Sometimes when I make a joke and Alex laughs, I'm even more sure about being in love with him. But I decide that I won't push it, that I will get used to it step by step. I think it's the best I can do. I don't even know if Alex likes me anyway and I also understand that he just broke up with his boyfriend. It must be hard, I think, especially that he caught him cheating. I think about that a lot.

     I believe I would be a better boyfriend for Alex. Maybe some day.