Hold Me Closer

Chapter 9: Alex

That night I dream of Damien and Sam. And then just Sam and me. It turns into a nightmare at some point. I can't remember all of it, but the idea was that they both hated me and left me. I wake up in a cold sweat. I look over at Sam and see he's already awake and he looks over at me. He has a look of pity or sadness. Maybe every regret- I don't think I've ever seen that look before. I look away and leave to get a shower.

      Once I get back and get my hearing aids in Sam apologizes for how he had been acting- which surprised me. Then he says something I didn't realize. Damien had been giving him dirty looks. I'd have to talk to him about that.

      With everything that had happened lately it seemed like we were going to have to have a serious talk soon anyway. It wasn't just dirty looks either. He kept talking bad about Sam when we were out together and no matter how many times I told him to stop or that I didn't want to hear it he wouldn't stop. He had stopped holding my hand when we walked on campus together. He stopped holding my hand on dates.

He had also started looking at other guys- and some girls! Like right now. It felt like he was making eye contact with ever guy in the vacitiy. I reach up to kiss him and make sure it lasts long enough that the guys he had been looking at noticed.

"I'll pick you up after class," he say before disappointing to his class. I turn around and go to my class.

      After classes are done he actually does pick me up which is surprising- usually I have to call him to remind him what building I'm in. He walks me back to my dorm and we wait outside of it. I know Sam's not there- he's still at class- but it's the thought of Sam that stops my and annoys my boyfriend.

"I guess I better go," he says not quite looking at me.

      I nod a bit and set my stuff down. I reach up and kiss him again. And then again and again. We end up with our hands in each others hair making out. I realize this is the only thing that's the same between us. So I plan to make it last as long as it can.

       He moves his hands to my hips and I put my arms around his neck. With us like this I can almost pretend that nothing was wrong. All of the sudden I think of Sam. I pull away to catch my breath and I hear someone clear their throat. I untangle myself from my boyfriend and turn around.

       I feel my face go red as I realize that Sam was the one standing there. I don't know how long he had been standing there but just knowing he had seen any of that made me feel like a kid that had gotten caught doing something they weren't supposed to. I rub the back of my neck and look down. I can't look at him. I hadn't wanted that to happen, but I should have figured it would- he does live there. Plus we were out in the hallway.

I say a weak and still somewhat breathless goodbye to my boyfriend and pick up my stuff. Sam opens the door and goes on and I follow him in.

"I'm so so sorry. I didn't mean for that to-"

"I don't care. You weren't in the room so I really can't argue, but I'm sure all the other people people going down the hallway would like to," Sam says sitting down on his bed.

      I put a hand up to cover my face. It felt like my face was the color of a tomato. I was so embarrassed I felt like I could cry- I don't though. I sit down on my own bed. I try to look at Sam a few times, but every time I try to I feel my face go red Ave I feel like crying. I can't believe I did that. I can't believe a lot of things that happened lately.

      I open a text book and try to study, but I can't focus so I end up just stareing at the page. I look up to see Sam looking at me.

"I'm sorry," I say feeling my eyes water again. I look down. I don't know what I was the most upset about. That I did that or that Sam saw. I don't even know how long he was there. He probably hated me.

      I wouldn't be surprised if he asked to change roommates already. With a school life this it wouldn't be surprising if all you had to do was say "my roommate is gay and won't stop bringing his boyfriend over and I'm afraid they're going to hit on me or have sex in the room" and they would change the room plan immediately.

      This time I feel tears on my face. I close the book I had been trying to study and toss it to the end of the bed and sit there with my head in my hands.

     How could I fuck up this badly. It was amazing. First falling for a straight and possibly homophobic guy and then making out with a guy in front of him twice. I was on a roll.