Heavens rainbow

Chapter 13

Phil and I were currently sat on my sofa. He's been tutoring me about this whole Gaurdian Angel thing for about two weeks now. Time was ticking down and it was only a few more hours until I had to go back to Earth to look after the boy who Jesus assigned me with. I'm not sure how I would get there, to the boy, all Phil said is that I'll know where to go. I'm not sure what he meant, but I trusted him.

"He can't know that you're there, so you have to be careful with how you go about protecting him." Phil explained, I should've been taking notes or something, but I wouldn't look back on them anyways. So I just tried to absorb all the information into my brain and hoped that it would stick. Phil had been tutoring me for about an hour now and I grew more anxious with each tick of the clock on the other side of the room. The sound bounced around my head and made me wince, I tried to block it out as best I could.

"And what if he's in big trouble? Like, what if I have to do something that would be obvious in order to protect him?"

"You can't." Phil voice was low and soft, guilt flashed across his eyes. I knew he was remembering when my mum would beat me and he couldn't do anything. Part of me was mad at Phil for not helping me. I mean, he did do it once but I had to deal with that abuse every day of my life and every day he just watched.

"And why is that? I'm his guardian so shouldn't I do my job and you know, protect him from whats hurting him most?" I said this with more sass than I intended to. I felt kinda bad because I could see how hurt Phil was, but I was mad and I wasn't getting and calmer.

"I-I'm sorry..." Phil drifted off, his voice breaking as he looked down at the blanket we were sitting on.

"Just tell me why." I said blankly. Wow, I really am salty.

"It's just the rules. If they know we're here then they'll be careless or they would know that someone was watching their every move and that could make them uneasy. We're not here to scare people, we're here to protect them as best as we can." Phil still sounded sorry but his voice did have a hint of irritation in it, which made me more angry. He's irritated at me? Are you joking? I just want to know why he let that woman abuse me all those years! 

"So, I can forcefully shove this Chris guy out of the way of a speeding car so he has no idea what pushed him or how it happened, but I can't stop his dad from hitting him?" I snapped.

"Chris needs to learn how to defend himself because you believe that he can do it." Phil growled.

"Actually, after seeing Chris get abused by his father for so many years I think I would've gotten it through my brain that he can't!" We were saying 'Chris' and his 'father' and saying that I'm the guardian, but we both knew who we were really talking about.

"You tried, Dan! You tried so hard but you can't save him from everything! Your job is to make sure he doesn't die until he's ready-!" Phil rose to his feet and I followed his action and cut off his speech as I did.

"He was ready! He was ready since the day he was born! He could have suffered so much less if you just let me flipping die years ago!" My voice bounced off the walls of the empty house and rung through our ears. The tension in the air was thick as we stared into each other's eyes. This wasn't how we normally looked at each other. Usually Phil's eyes were soft and gently, his pupils dilated so large that the beautiful blue of his eyes was only a small ring. But now, his eyes were so sharp that his glare alone could rip my skin apart, his pupils had shrunk dramatically. I could see the guilt in his eyes but his anger overpowered it, at least it did in my eyes. I had a habit to focus on the negative.

"You're going out tomorrow." Phil spoke up after several minutes of silence. "And don't come crying to me once you realize how difficult it actually is." Phil words hit my chest like a rock but I stood my ground still. Phil brushed past me and headed towards the door. Just as he was about to open it he look at me from over his shoulder. "And don't screw it up." And with that, he left, slamming the door on his way out. I stood there in silence, starring at the closed door and focused on the smiley face Phil had drawn on it last week. My breathing became unsteady and my body started to tremble. I could feel my eyes start to heat up and my lips unwillingly formed into a frown. I stumbled backwards and collapsed to the ground while covering my face with my hands, letting my palms fill with my tears and overflow onto the hardwood floor. I let my anger get the best of me and now I've pushed away the only person I've ever cared about besides Avery. What's wrong with me? I always manage to screw things up, always. 

I never thought that I Would be in so much pain after I died. I thought I would be gone, that all the pain would go away. In a way, it did. This pain wasn't like any pain I've ever felt before. I've felt physical pain, every night when my mum would abuse me. Emotional pain, when I lost my brother. Loneliness pain, when nobody would ever talk to me because I pushed them away. No-closure pain, when my dad walked out and I never got to know him or know where he was going. And there's so, so much more. But I've never felt pain like this. I've never felt pain where I lost someone, but not physically like I had with my brother, but emotionally. I never got attached enough to anyone where I would care if they just walked out of my life. Phil was still here, he wasn't gone, but he wasn't here with me and something tells me he won't be for awhile.

I built up the strength to stand on my feet. I sobbed as I walked quickly into the bathroom and grabbed the first blade I could find. I thought they would have taken these away from me, due to how I died. But they didn't. They were still available, they were still an option.

I held the blade to my wrist just above where my scar was. I waited. I waited for the feeling of something pulling me away. I waited for the sound of Phil's soft voice to echo through my head to tell me not to do it, to tell me that I was string.

But that didn't happen.

I was in complete control of my actions and for the first time, I wish I wasn't. I cried harder when I realised that Phil wasn't going to stop me, he must not care anymore. I really fucked up. I pushed down on the blade and watched as my blood quickly started to pour out of my body. I slashed it across my skin and cried out in pain. The cut was deep and I had no doubt that I cut right through my veins. But unlike on Earth, my vision didn't blur, my head didn't spin, my eyes didn't roll to the back of my head and I didn't hear Phil voice telling me everything was going to be okay. Instead, I sat there, watching my blood pour from my wrist and onto the tiled floor. There was no sound besides my cries which bounced off of the walls and echoed in my ears.

My cut slowly started to heal itself, as I knew it would. I was told that when you're injured up here that it heals very quickly. I watched as my skin started to lace itself back together, the blood that was gushing from my wrist now only a soft trickle. The gash in my wrist had healed completely now but the blood that was previously covering my entire wrist was still there. I put my hands in the sink and started to wash off the blood which had begun to dry. After a couple minutes of scrubbing, I dried my hands on my jeans and looked back at my right wrist where I had made the newest cut. I was a bit taken back by what I saw. There was a scar. A new one.

I didn't know that you could get scars when you were already here.  But this scar didn't look like my other ones. My old ones were white, like any normal scar would be. But this one was red and not a light or neutral shade of red. No, it was a deep cherry red color and it looked very obvious, my pale skin wasn't helping very well either.

"Fudge." I murmured to myself. I haven't seen anyone with a scar like this before, nor had I heard anyone talk about it. I can't let people see this. Maybe I could cover it. I rummaged through my drawer and pulled out a bottle of concealer. Yes, I have concealer, don't judge me. I drew a line of the thick liquid over my new scar and tried to blend it, but no matter how many layers I put over it the scar was still perfectly visible. If anything, it became more visible with each time I tried to cover it. I grunted in frustration and threw the concealer bottle at the floor. 

I looked at my left wrist where only the white scar laid. I didn't mind looking at this one. Yes, I was embarrassed when other people saw it, but I  didn't mind looking at it. If anything it was a sense of accomplishment. But when I looked at my right wrist the bright red scar popped out at me and I couldn't take my eyes off it. All I thought about was Phil as I stared at my new bright red scar that lay across my wrist. I argued with him over something that didn't matter. I didn't apologize. I pushed him away and he's not coming back. And now, thanks to my dumb-ass decision, I have a bright red scar to remind me of that every single day for the rest of eternity.  

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A/N: Pretty crap chapter, sos but I'm really tired but I felt like I had to update. So here you go! Hope you like it! Please vote if you did! 

Also I got a puppy!!!! She's so cute! She's only three months and she's from a rescue littler so we don't know what she's mixed with but oh my god if you saw her you would die from cuteness overload. But she bites and eats EVERYTHING since she's only a pup but she'll learn. My other dog doesn't like her that much yet but he's getting there. Thanks for reading! :)