A Lifetime of Memories

Letter goodbye

Jamie,

It took me so many tries to put this out on paper, but here I am writing this letter to you today to tell you that I am moving. I am leaving for good and not coming back to Dallas or Victoria. Both are places that I once called home. You are a place I once called home. I hope that by the time you are reading this I have found a new home. I am not 100% sure where I will end up but please know that I am safe. Know that I am going to be okay. I know that you are pissed at me and I'm sorry about that. There are times where I wish I didn't come into your room and tell you that we are over for good but I had to do it for me, for us. I think that with all the shit that has gone on in my life that it was best to start fresh without anybody from my past. I needed a fresh slate and so did you. 

I loved all the nights we spent at the rink past when our moms wanted us to come home. The nights where I was studying not only school but sports. The nights where I fell asleep at your house and both your mom and sister made you sleep on the couch because I fell asleep on your bed. The nights where we planned our futures together out on the rink. How I was going to be the first female NHL player and you insisted that you were going to be a Captain someday. Well look at you Jamie, Captain of the Dallas Stars and playing with that knuckle head of a brother of yours. You pushed me as a player when I didn't want to continue. When I quit, I knew you wanted me back out there. I know now that you were trying to get me to put my hurt and rage toward something that could help me. I loved playing the game of hockey and I do wish I continued. I want you to know that nothing that you could have said would have changed my mind about playing. 

I wish the days we spent apart and together were spent better. They days where I didn't open up, I wish you would have pushed just a little more. The days where I seemed perfectly fine, I wish that you would have asked how I was doing. The reason I tell you this is because I had a miscarriage while I was with you. I didn't tell you that I was pregnant because the day I was going to tell you was the day I found out that I had miscarried. I should have told you that I was pregnant when I first found out but I was afraid. Afraid that you weren't ready, we weren't ready. Even though we working together I was so excited to be a mother to your child. He would have been cute just like you and he would have played hockey just like his father. He would have had the greatest aunts and uncles in the world from your brother, sister and their significant others. He would have had my whole family to enjoy and love on. Let's just say I am great at running from my problems and here I am running again. 

I hope that one day we can reconnect somehow. I know when that day comes the guys force us to be in the same room. I know that you will probably hate me for the rest of my life. I know you won't  want to talk to me at all. Jamie Benn you have been my first true love.

One last thing, I would say that you are going to change the world someday but you all-ready are. Please continue to be the best for all the little kids that look up to you.

Hannah