broken boy ❀ stiles stilinski

Get away from me

I don't like darkness because I feel like I have no control over what happens around me or to me.
In my situation I know that I have no control when it's dark.
I don't like this. I want to get out. I want it to stop.
I can't scream because no one will hear. I know where I am and that's what scares me the most.
I'm deep inside my mind where I can't hide.
How did this happen once again?
Why can't he understand I'm not him and I will never be.

But we are one Stiles. We are the same.

I freeze. Wherever I am, I froze. Not again. I can't go through this anymore. I can't take any of this for much longer or I'm going to loose myself to him.
I won't let that happen for as long as I can.
I can try to keep him down, away from everyone else. But I know there will be a day where my emotions are going to get the best of me and I won't be able to hold onto my sanity.
My heart's already broken, my mind is broken. How can I keep a strong face when on the inside I'm not strong.

There's nothing to hide. I'm you. What are you going to hide away like last time? Because we all know how that ended up for you. Hiding won't help because I'm always with you.

He is laughing. A manic laugh that deafens me. Is loud and mind controlling. It's like an infection. It feels like with just a laugh he can have you in the palm of his hand. It weakens me more than I already was. It makes me want to cry. Why can't we have normal lives for once? Why can't we be free from the pain?

But you can be free Stiles? You know that. Just let me take over. It can all be over in a blink of an eye. It will be peaceful.
You
Won't
Feel
A
Thing.

I bite my lower lip trying not to scream. I want him out. I want Scott to save me from him. I want my dad.
All the things I can't physically say to them afraid of being treated as a charity case. I don't want that stress on them but, I need them.

Aww. It's little Stiles going to cry now. Are you going to beg for your best friend and your dad come and save you? Are you that weak? Come one Stiles. I know you. You are stronger than that and if you let me in, we can be even more stronger. Just think of that.

I snap.

'I'm not though. I'm not strong. I never was.'

Keep lying to yourself. Just know that one day that is going to get you hurt.

'What do you mean? You are the one that's making things worse for me! You are the one that ruined my life!' I scream at him, anger and sadness flowing through my veins. I'm on the verge of crying while at the same time I want to punch something or someone.

Do you even hear you? You keep thinking  you are worthless but haven't you realised by now that without you they're nothing. But they don't know that. I can help you. With me you won't need them.

I feel strange. A guilt forming inside me for a reason that not even I know.

I can't let him win because if he does is game over.

I can't look at him because everything is dark but I know he is looking at me from wherever he is. I feel violated, my thoughts and feelings exposed to him.

Come on Stiles. Let's have some fun.

I can definitely hear the smirk in his voice. He knows he's winning.

A weight is being put upon me. The darkness slowly entering my veins but there's no way I can stop it. It's like I'm being pulled into the void, the darkest of my thoughts.

The what if's that haunt me every day no matter what.

All of it is having an effect on me. Is making me miserable. All I want is to have control.

Just listen to me and you'll be fine. I'm here for you, you know that?

I don't like the way he is talking to me. He talks to me like if I was a lost child in the look for their parents.

He says one thing and then goes and does the same.

But all I want is not to feel weak.

Maybe. Just maybe. This can work.

I slowly feel like I'm losing myself. But I didn't want this to happen so why do I feel like it's the right thing to do?

How is it possible that pain can feel so blissful?

Yes. Go on. Just let me in and everything will be solved.

And I did.

I listened to him.

I tried to avoid this for so long but I just couldn't do that for any longer.

I'm sorry.

Then I felt out of breath. The darkness looks more dark than it did before if that's possible.

Then there was light.

We are one.