Commitment

Chapter Nine

Lying in the crook Eddie's arm, in her bed a few hours later, Paula was a little surprised she was still not feeling any kind of regret or guilt, especially considering how her grandmother had brainwashed her all these years about being around men. 

She had just lost her virginity to her best friend's older brother, something she now she admitted, she had sometimes fantasized about when she was younger, when Eddie had still been around. though back then, as a teenager ,he had treated her with total indifference.  The fact the fantasy had become a reality in a rather bizarre way now in her later, life made her smile.

"Just as well my Gran isn't around, if she could see me now, she would probably tell me I was turning out just  like my mother" she then mused aloud. Much to her surprise she felt Eddies body seem to tense

"You are nothing like your Mother,  so don't ever even think like that" Eddie replied with a fierceness  in his voice. It made her turn her head to look into his face, a little taken aback by his almost angry reaction to her idle musing.

Realising  she was staring at him a little puzzled, and perhaps he had over reacted at the mention of her mother, Eddie's brain now scrambled to rectify his outburst, after all as far as she was concerned, he never met or knew  anything about her mother. He only wished that was true

"What I mean, I can't imagine you would be the type of person who would abandon your child like she did" he then said in a way of explanation, his tone much calmer and in control.

"No, I wouldn't" Paula agreed. But the chance that she was with child after their encounter was something she was not too concerned with. After being with Eddie on the rooftop in London, and what had almost occurred between them then, when she had become overwhelmed by her feelings for him, she had paid enough attention to her grandmothers advice to take sensible precautions and  sort herself out with birth control shortly afterwards, just in case.

And now it had happened, somehow it just felt so right, despite the both of them admitting that they had not very high expectations of this newfound relationship lasting or having some sort of future, Paula put it down to the fact they both seem to be in a place in their lives, where perhaps just needing each other for now, was enough. It was another reason why she was glad she had taken care of making sure that no child would be produced from it.

She wasn't sure what was going through Eddie's mind, as he held her, still taken aback a little by his sudden outburst when she mentioned her mother. His fingers were absentmindedly stroking her bare arm, as he stared up at the ceiling, seeming lost in his own thoughts.

Resting her hand lightly on his bare chest, she drew his attention back to her, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he replied shooting her a brief smile, then squeezed her to him slightly, "I was just thinking about what you said earlier.. about knowing the kind of man I am," he then said with reflective sigh before adding, "It's just I am not sure you really do know me." he finished quietly.

"Well I am sure given time, we can remedy that," Paula replied

"That's what worries me." Eddie replied with a wry smile

"Oh, and why is that?" Paula enquired with slight intrigue, raising herself up to rest her elbow on his chest so she could look into his face better now.

"So, what guilty secrets do you have that is so awful? Don't tell me you're secretly a married man?" she then guessed with mock horror, teasing him, and trying to lighten his mood

"No, God forbid I would go down that road!" Eddie seemed horrified by the very idea much to her amusement

But now as he looked into her face, he felt his unease growing again because he did have a guilty secret, knowing about her mother, her  remark had only brought that back to him. But it was one he  still wasn't sure if he could ever share with her yet ,even though the night before when he had showed up at her door he had almost been on the verge of spilling his guts out to her about her mother, only he found all he wanted to do was kiss her and his need for her overtook his conscience.  The fact, she had just so willingly gave herself to him, didn't do anything to make him feel better, but somehow he felt he had to try and make her understand in some way