Commitment

Chapter Nineteen

Eddie sat at the crowded bar, knocking back his third glass of whiskey that he had just ordered. Although there were other customers all around him, he was too caught up in his own misery and bitterness to be aware of their presence or care.

It had been just over a week since Paula had told him that she didn't want anything more do with him.  He was perturbed to realise that she had meant it, as she had not returned his texts, or phone calls when he had tried to contact her lately. Even though he had given her the space he thought she needed after she had pleaded with him to leave her alone.

He had thought after a few days, when she wasn't so upset, that she might realise that he had not meant to hurt her, and his motives had been in looking out for her, and not just about his job, which ironically had been so unlike him in the first place.

It  also didn't help he now had to listen to Jack have a go at him  on top of everything else. He demanded  to know why Eddie didn't tell him that he knew Paula's mother, and he  was involved with her daughter on a personal level into the bargain, right through the case against Coulter.

 But, Eddie had insisted he had not compromised the case in any way, because of his actions.

After all, he had never set eyes on Paula's mother before she became a person of interest in the case, so he didn't know her at the time, and she didn't know him either. And as for his relationship with Paula, it had just been a tenuous connection, that had no real bearing on what happened afterwards. After all, Paula knew nothing about her mother, who had abandoned her as a baby, so she was totally ignorant about Lorna McKay and her lifestyle.

 Jack didn't see it quite the same way,  pointing out that Eddie had been walking a fine line holding back information on his personal connection with Paula from him. Perhaps if he had told him from the beginning about it, then the poor girl would not have been so upset finding out everything after her mother's death. It was something which he still felt partly responsible for.  So he was still not in the best mood with Eddie either.

But what had been  really baffling for Eddie to comprehend about the whole business, was Paula's reaction to what she had learned.  She had not exactly been angry at him for not telling her about Lorna in the beginning, but she seemed more upset because he thought she was better off not knowing about her, and he was doing her a favour in the end. 

 She clearly had taken umbrage with this,   somehow she seem to think that he was undermining her in some way,  for  believing he thought she wasn't capable of handling it. But that was not how he saw it at the time, and it had never been his intention to make her feel like she didn't know what was best for her.  So, when she accused him of being like his sister,  it had been a low blow.

He had not realised how sensitive Paula was about it all, until that afternoon in the interview room. Now,  in hindsight,  as he stared into his empty glass, he could kind of see her point, even if it was too late to retract his words and actions at the time. It must have been annoying for her, always  having people in her life who  thought  they knew what was best for her, and not letting her make her own decisions and mistakes. He had even understood her frustration a little with Sarah, who was always trying to fob Paula off with some guy she thought was suitable, and then disapproving when she made her own choice, getting involved with him, and believing she was incapable of handling her own affairs, whatever the fall out

Thinking on it now, he was actually surprised he had not received a phone call or text from his sister in the last week berating him for causing Paula so much upset feeling sure she would know by now. He had felt sure she would have jumped at the chance to have a go at him, it was not like her to give him the silent treatment But in a way, he was also relieved. After all, it was enough for now having to put up with Jack still giving him the disapproving eye looks, without having to listen to Sarah as well.

Though, he had to hand it to his partner, for stepping in and taking care of Paula, getting her home safely on the day, and then making sure she received the forms and documents to sign, by sending them through the post, so she could get the chance to give her mother a proper funeral at least.

 Eddie kept telling himself that he had blown it with Paula. After all, she probably hated his guts now, so the best option was to just try and move on and forget about her, and just go back to focusing on his job.  But he was finding it was easier said, than done.

He could not get her out of his head completely, despite keeping himself occupied in his workplace. It didn't help that it was in the very building he worked the fall out had occurred, so it was a constant reminder. So now and again he found himself sometimes wondering if she was coping ok, and thinking about her instead of his workload  whilst trying to ignore the little slither of guilt he felt, in being the one to cause her hurt.

She had fled home in such a rush that day, some of her belongings were still in his apartment, and for him,  it was just another reminder of the day it all went wrong. It was one of the reasons why he hated going back to his place lately when he finished work, so had taken refuge in the pub to get his evening in.

A small part of him had hoped that she still might come around, and talk to him again, so that he would be able to return them to her personally. But now, he was thinking that perhaps he should just parcel them up, and send them back by post, as it seemed unlikely she would want to set foot in his apartment again.

After his fourth whiskey, Eddie felt comfortably numb, but not overly drunk that he wouldn't be able to get out of his bed the following morning to get himself into work, he decided to return home, and get into his bed and hopefully sleep the night in, without tossing and turning, and dwelling on Paula, as he had been doing lately

Luckily, the pub was not too far from his apartment, and  it was a short walk in the cold night air, so, he could take his time. It wasn't that late, as darkness was just starting to envelope the evening autumn sky, as Eddie punched in the passcode to get him in through the gate to his apartment block

He climbed the stairs to the second floor to his apartment, but as he stepped into the hallway that led to his front door, he found himself coming to a halt, noticing the familiar figure that was sitting hunched up on the tiled floor outside his apartment door

For a moment Eddie wondered had the alcohol addled his brain, and if he was hallucinating and seeing things.  That was until the figure looked up, and he found himself staring into a pair of anxious brown eyes

He took a few uncertain steps forward, "Paula?" his voice mirrored the sudden bewilderment he was feeling as she now stood up, looking uneasy, and then offered him a somewhat wan smile

"Hi Eddie" she returned a little sheepishly, "Your 'super' recognised me from the last time I was here, and let me in to the building, So I have been waiting for you to get back" she then said in a way of an awkward explanation.

"When? H-How long have you been sitting out here?" Eddie asked, still trying to get over the shock of seeing her, now coming right up to her as he realised she was very real, and it wasn't the whiskey messing with his brain.

She shrugged and gave a small shake of her head, "I am not sure, b-but I just needed to be here" she then confessed, "I know I should have probably phoned you, only I didn't know what to say, after the way I walked away from you at the police station" she then added ruefully

"What has happened? Are you ok?" he then asked with immediate concern, not worrying about their previous parting, only that she was here in front of him in the flesh, and imagined it must be bad if she took the trouble to come all this way to see him

"No, not really," she replied, now looking openly distressed, "I-I thought I could handle all this on my own, but I can't, and there is no one else I can turn too.." she admitted brokenly, bringing her fist up to her mouth and chewing on her knuckles at this admission, whilst trying to not break down completely in front of him.

"C'mon, let's get you into the apartment first, then you can we can talk properly" Eddie then suggested practically, putting a comforting arm around her. He got his keys out of his jacket pocket to open the door, suddenly sobering up by the unexpected turn of events, whilst masking his own anxiety, as he decided he needed to take charge of the situation.