A Little Less Pain

25

I sat on Mariana's bed for a while as she chose outfits to wear for the week at school. I wasn't really paying attention as I gave her lack luster replies such as, "That's pretty" and, "No, that does look good together." I'm honestly still trying to pick apart my situation with Jesus. I feel like the fact that I even give this second thought is also another thing I've been ignoring.

"What has been going on with you and my brother lately?" Mariana suddenly questioned, still preoccupied deep in her closet. I shrugged, because if I can't decipher it to myself how am I supposed to explain it to Mariana?

"I'm pretty sure we just never have gotten along, and now he sees no reason to put up the front." Obviously this is a blatant lie. Jesus has probably done more things for me rather than against me, but it's always harder to look past bad things when good things aren't all you get.

"I haven't seen him with Lexi since that other party. Do you think they broke up and that's why he's pissed all the time?" Mariana laughed, despite her one being completely serious about her question. I totally forgot about Lexi in the midst of this whole thing. 

"Should one of us ask him? Maybe he needs someone to talk to." By one of us, I mean Mariana. As if Jesus would give me the time of day about his relationship issues.

"Oh, actually yeah. Go ask him!" Mariana popped her head out from the closet and looked at me, waiting for me to get up and sprint over to Jesus's room down the hall. I rolled my eyes and stayed where I was sitting.

"You do realize that Jesus would probably shank me if murder was legal, right?" I stared her in the eyes, so she knew I wasn't joking at all. With how things are going, i'm pretty sure Jesus is actively wanting me gone for good.

"Hadley! Don't say things like that. He listens to you." I rolled my eyes once again, because she clearly hasn't been around through the condescending comments and silent glares I've been receiving.  "It's worth a shot!" With that, she walked over to her bed, gripped onto my forearm, and jerked me forward. I fly off of the bed and landed on my hands and knees right beside it.

"Why are you literally crazy?" I stood up, and was about to sit back down- but she grabbed both of my shoulders and shoved me outside of her room and into the hallway.

"Just give it a chance!" She whispered, before shutting her door and clearly locking it from the inside. I debated just going downstairs and staying there for like twenty minutes. There's no way to do this without being extremely uncomfortable. After standing and staring at the white wood in contemplation, I decided that I might as well get it over with. What's so wrong with dying young, anyways?

I went up to his closed door, took a deep breath, and knocked twice. Maybe treating this like a literal business meeting would go better.

"What?" Jesus's annoyed voice called from inside, muffling it to the point he almost didn't sound angry. Here we go.

"Can I come in?" There was no response, "It's Hadley."

"Obviously. I know your voice." There was another long pause. Quitting while i'm ahead seems appealing. "Are you coming in?" His voice, still equally annoyed, shouted. I stumbled with the door knob and awkwardly stepped inside.

"Um-" I was cut off by Jesus- shirtless I may add- standing and coming over from his desk, pushing past me, and slamming the door shut again. I'm going to be murdered in a police officers home.

"Can you please get on with whatever you're going to do?" He practically begged, and I took a step back so I wasn't standing eye to eye with him.

"Well, I just had a question." Hadley, can you be anymore stupid right now? Obviously you're in here to ask a question. What the fuck?

"Get on with it!" Jesus tried to keep his voice from rising, getting more aggravated the longer I just stood there like a fish out of water. Sorry Callie, I guess i'm dying young.

"Are you and Lexi dating still?" Okay, so that wasn't too bad. My heart literally feels like it's going to dislodge from my chest and run away- but that was easy to say. Jesus raised his eyebrows, crossing his stupid nice arms over his stupid nice chest.

"Why?" God, that's exactly what I was hoping he wouldn't say. Can people just answer questions without wondering the motive for once?

"You haven't been with her for a while and I haven't heard about her." I recited what Mariana had told me, low-key looking for any weapons I can use to defend myself. "Not that you really talk to me about her-" Jesus stared at me, and I wanted to literally self-destruct.

"I don't think it's any of your business," I visibly deflated, "But, if you must know, I broke up with her a week ago." Wow, okay. I guess Jesus isn't that terrifying to talk to. Jesus Foster? Actually telling me, Hadley Parker- a reply that isn't sarcastic?

"Ah." Ah? That's all I have to say I guess. I don't know what Mariana wanted me to get from this conversation.

"Why'd you wanna know?" He smirked and uncrossed his arms, taking barely half a step forward. Even though it was so small, we were still closer than before. If i put out my arms I could touch him.

"Mariana wanted me to ask." Throwing her under the bus seemed like the best option.

"Oh, really?" He stepped closer again, now the air separating us was about six inches, and I wanted to melt into the floor.

"Yes, why would I care about your relationships if we don't even talk to each other? It's literally none of my business what you do." I bit down on my bottom lip. Was that too rude for the ticking time bomb? 

"I think you should know about every aspect of my love life." First of all, what? Why did I agree to come in here and do this.

"Huh?" I said, what a great response. "You've literally been wanting me to die for days on end now." Jesus laughed, grabbing onto my arm and gently pulling me forward. Of course, I stumbled and hit my head against his chin. 

"You make me really mad sometimes." See what I mean? Jesus stared into my eyes, "I don't think you understand why though."

"I'm really confused right now." I whispered, being so close to him right now seems intimate. I'm not really good with this type of setting.

"So am I." With that, he closed the same space between our faces, and pressed his lips against mine. It was so short. Just maybe a peck, but he pulled away and stared at me some more. "I don't think I'm good at this whole emotions thing." He broke away from me, taking his hands out of my hair and pulling my shaking hands from his arms. "I hope that answered your question."

"Jesus-" He placed a hand on my lower back and nudged me out of the pathway to his bed.

"Our secret." He smiled softly, but it didn't reach his eyes. I stood there, so confused that my head was hurting. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what. Why do I feel like this was the last time I'll be that way with him again? 

I want to reach out, and hold him. But I can't tighten my grip even if I tried my absolute hardest because it's impossible to hold onto something I don't actually have in my hands. I don't think I ever will.

I opened back up the door and looked at his back one more time.

"I'm sorry I can't give you what you want me to."