Nine.
When I woke up again, Benn was gone. I rubbed my eyes and rolled over to see the clock on his bedside table. It was barely 9AM- why on earth was he up?
I too got up, and, relying on his mum not being home, didn't bother getting any more dressed than I was. I knew this house well; I'd spent a hundred nights here. I walked to the kitchen, and found some juice in the fridge, as well as a biscuit from the pantry. I sat on the counter and nibbled on the biscuit, staring into space.
"Hey, sleeping beauty."
Benn came into the kitchen and poured himself coffee. He sat on the counter next to me and sat the cup down between us, knowing I'd end up drinking half that coffee.
"How come you're up so early?" I asked.
"I was meant to be at work at 8:30."
"Then why aren't you?"
"Called in sick."
"How lazy," I teased.
He laughed a little.
"Nah, I just thought you might like company today."
"Oh."
"And perhaps tell me what the hell happened to you last night?"
"Nothing," I mumbled and hopped off the counter.
I put my glass in the sink and made my way down the hall. I heard Benn sigh as I shut the bathroom door behind me. Leaning against it, I let myself slide down until I was sitting on the cold tile floor. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back.
I couldn't believe my own stupidity. You had no intention to sweep me off my feet, and be the person to show me the concept of trust. You were being a friend, and nothing more. I was foolish to believe you'd ever be mine. I got up and showered, and then, wrapped in a towel, went back to Benn's room to see if I had any clothes here.
When I walked in Benn was on his computer, and I contemplated whether or not to search for clothes and take them elsewhere, or to just change here. He noticed I came in, but his eyes didn't leave the screen.
"Hey, do you know if I've got any clothes around the place?"
He thought for a moment.
"Probably. Have a look."
I found some underwear in the same box as his underwear and socks. I briefly wondered why on earth I still had it here, but immediately discarded the thought when I realised it was lucky I did- because it meant I didn't have to go home just yet. I looked through the rest of the closet to find some clothes, and spotted some in the top shelf.
"Benn, I can't reach."
He laughed.
"Don't laugh at me. Why would you put them up there anyways?"
"Well you coming by needing clothes isn't an everyday occurrence."
I mentally added, "No, I guess not. Not anymore," but didn't dare say it.
He got up and reached up to get the pair of jeans and the t-shirt. He turned around and paused, looking down at me. Questioning, I stared into his chocolate eyes. He dropped the clothes, cupped my face and kissed me softly on the lips. The kiss deepened, his hands moved into my hair as my hands slid up his chest and around his neck.
He scooped me up into his arms, still kissing me and carried me to the bed. I was waiting for his hands to move behind my back, and undo my bra. Instead, he lifted his face from mine.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't resist."
I chuckled.
"You're too cute, babe."
I kissed him again, before, eventually, he wrapped his arms around me and I leaned into his warm chest and closed my eyes. He softly ran his finger along the small of my back.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing," he replied. "Why?"
"It's been a very long time since we've done that, in so little clothing, and didn't...you know."
"What, I'm not allowed to just kiss you now?"
"It's not that, it's just... I dunno."
He kissed the top of my head, and I turned to lie on my back and face the ceiling. Our fingers intertwined, I squeezed his hand lightly.
"What happened last night, Bec?"
"Well I got sick of sitting at home. So I went to the club, had a few drinks. And then just had a bit of a falling out with a..." I couldn't find the words to describe who you were to me.
"A close friend of mine." I finally finished.
In his silence, I sensed he wanted me to go on.
"I dunno, I couldn't figure out how to get home, and I didn't really want to go home either. Next thing I knew, I was on your doorstep."
"Babe," was all he said.
"Hey, I was wondering..." I trailed off, and bit my lip.
"What?"
"Never mind."
"No, tell me."
I tentatively looked for the right words.
"You know how after...it happened; we always said we were beyond repair?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you really think that's true?"
I was expecting a pause, but it didn't happen. Benn answered straight away.
"No. I've loved you since I was twelve years old, and I still do."
He said the words again. My stomach knotted, and not in a good way. Those words were my biggest fear- other people feared getting arrested, getting hospitalised for alcohol poisoning, being mugged, being raped- I feared the concept of love. There was no way Benn couldn't have known that- he'd known me for too long, we'd been too close, he'd said it too many times without hearing it back. In a way, his patience and acceptance of that fact completely amazed me. In another way, I doubted the sincerity of it all. Deep inside I knew, he needed to hear it back, but I couldn't bring myself to say it.
I remained silent, and just mentally shut off, completely. You and the blonde appeared in my mind again, but it was over now. Over, over, over, I mentally repeated. Benn was the closest I'd ever come to love. Maybe one day I'd actually be able to say the words, and maybe one day I'd feel it too. For now, this was enough for me.
We kissed again, and Benn got up to close the drapes. We undressed slowly, without a care in the world, and completely unaware of time.
And in that moment, I knew, that with Benn, I'd be forever waiting for the fire that came alight within me when you touched me.
NOTE- sorry for the shortness of this one. the next one shall be bigger again (:
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peace, love,
alex.
