Thirty-Seven.
I couldn't stop smiling at work that night. Megan couldn't help but notice and tease.
"Whipped much?"
"As if. There's no particular reason for my good mood..." Wow, even I had trouble believing that one.
"Okay, what are you thinking about, right now?" Megan challenged.
"Uhm," I paused, trying to think of something good to say.
Megan was grinning triumphantly.
"Okay, fine. You got me." I sighed and gave up.
She laughed.
"Hey, thanks for covering for me the other night by the way.".
"It's fine. I understand."
"And thanks for calling Luke."
"I just did what I know you needed. And if there was any moment at which you would've realised you don't just need him, but want him too, it was that one."
"Hmmm."
She was right. Of course she was. As she left for the other end of the bar to mix a drink for someone, I wondered whether by the time I was her age I'd know more than I knew now. I didn't think I'd know as much as she did by the time I was her age, but more than now would be nice. It's okay, I told myself; you're learning now. Learning good things, not things like how to get places you're not legally supposed to be, or how much I can drink before I'll throw up and pass out, or how to get a guy to give you exactly what you want while providing minimal things in return. I was learning how to deal with myself, and what I felt. I was learning how to live life. I was learning to open my eyes and see the world around me, in a whole new light. I was learning how to leave the past behind, by dealing with it not running from it. I was learning to love.
&&&.
Over the next few days, time began to pass quickly when you weren't around, and come to a blissful standstill when you were. I wasn't wishing days away, because I didn't need to be around you to be happy anymore. Sure, I was happiest with you. But even if I had no reason to be happy when you weren't around, the thought that you were somewhere wanting only me, and that I was somewhere in your mind made me smile.
I started going out more, to the point where the apartment became almost nothing more than a place to sleep and shower. I was keeping myself busy, but not with the same motives as I used to. I didn't have thoughts I was trying to drown out by being too busy to let them enter my mind, I simply had better things to do than sit around in the apartment doing nothing. Not when this city was home to so many amazing clubs, a gorgeous park, and inspiring art galleries and such. Mum was on my mind every now and then, and every night I'd kiss our picture goodnight and tell her I love her, but she wasn't so omnipresent anymore. She wasn't always in the forefront of my mind, torturing me with questions, doubt, longing, grief and anger. Rather, she sent me a gentle reminder that she was there every once in a while, when I'd hear her soft voice inside my head making the occasional remark. That was still, arguably, on the brink of insanity, but I was okay with it. Happy, in fact.
&&&.
I should've guessed the memories of her wouldn't always be so light in the back of my mind. I should've known it'd get to me again one day. Because it did.
We were sitting in the grass, in our favourite spot by the river with hot chips for lunch, enjoying the sun. Autumn was coming, I could feel it. The sun was still warm, but the winds were slowly becoming chilly, and the leaves in the trees began to change colour. One fell from a nearby tree, and the wind blew it into my lap. I held it up into the sun, and took note of all the little veins through it, the marks, and the little scrapes. I let it go, and the breeze picked it up and blew it into the river, where it floated downstream alongside a little boat.
