Forty-Six.
Benn's funeral came quicker than I thought it would. I spent the entire day beforehand contemplating whether or not to let you come. Eventually, I decided Benn had, just before his death, gotten to the point where there wasn't any animosity between you two. Granted, I still don't know whether or not he even knew you existed, let alone we'd gotten together, but given his final words and his letter, I genuinely believed he'd like you. I'd always thought Benn could never accept me being with someone else, let alone like that someone - or even just not despise them. But over the last couple of weeks, I'd come to realise that he was a much bigger, better person than I ever knew or thought he could be. He loved me more than I thought a human being, particularly at our age, was even capable of. This time just two weeks ago, that realisation almost killed me - or, more accurately, led me to almost killing myself. But now I knew that it was something I had to learn from.
So I'd eventually decided I wanted you to come. I knew I needed your support, and I knew you wanted to come. We took Tom's car and drove to the northern outskirts of Stretford. The car ride was silent. I was lost in thought, anxious as to how I'd deal with this, and how Benn's family would deal with my presence there. I wondered if they blamed me. I knew I still blamed myself, to an extent. I looked for comfort in your eyes, only to find them set firmly on the road; expressionless. So as the car came to a stop on the gravel outside the church at the cemetery, we still hadn't said a word. As you got out, I was still sitting there in my trance, my eyes looking at the church, but really just staring into nothingness. You opened my door for me and pulled me back into reality, but as we approached the church you didn't take my hand. You didn't put your arm around me, you didn't hug me or kiss me or even tell me it would be okay. Just silence.
Ironically, just like the day Benn died, the sun was out sky was blue without a cloud. How dare it? I thought. How could the sun shine on a day like this? It should be raining and thundering, and there should be lightning and the weather should do everything in its power to make us feel even more miserable than we already did, to make us feel as miserable as possible because we lost Benn, -
"Don't." You said, as if reading my thoughts.
Really, it was probably my expression that gave me away. Inside, we found seats somewhere in the front half. Jordan had, on behalf of his family (namely Grace, their mum), asked me to say a little something, so I didn't want to be so far away that I'd spend ages walking down the aisle in the middle, with everyone watching me and probably judging me - for various reasons. I just wanted to get up there, pretend Benn was the only person in the room, get it over with and sit back down. And then preferably remain unnoticed by the vast majority of people here who would most likely be shooting me daggers every single second I stood up there, and for the rest of the funeral service. Shit, I needed to stop doing this to myself. I took off my hat and sat it in my lap, then distractedly fixed up my hair. The service began and you continued to sit next to me almost like a stranger. I suppose that was a good thing, in a way. While I ached for the comforting feel of your hand in mine, I knew it wouldn't make things any better for those around us who weren't really a fan of mine right now.
I did well not to cry through the priest's, Grace's, and Jordan's speeches, and hoped to remain that lucky when it came to my own. As I reluctantly began to get up to go to the front to speak, you looked at me for the first time since we got into the car that day. I finally found the comfort I was looking for as I ignored the judging, despising eyes around me. I felt for Grace's tears, but I didn't feel guilt. I cleared my throat and pictured just Benn, rather than the fifty or so people that were actually in front of me.
"I haven't really written a speech," I began quietly.
Fifty pairs of watery eyes looked at me, awaiting something more. Obviously. I looked to the coffin next to me, and the photo collage of Benn on it.
