Fourteen.
After a night of rather drunken dancing, laughing, and girl talk, as well as a very difficult walk there, Kate and I woke up in her and Dad's apartment. I never thought she'd be this much fun. And she seemed genuine, not on a mission to bring me closer to my father again - she seemed to have befriended me because she wanted to, not because Dad asked her to, or because she thought she was some kind of replacement for Mum.
Kate was still a teenager inside, I think. I tried not to think of her and Dad together, just to avoid any resentment towards her and just general imagery I really didn't want or need. Kate dropped me off at Benn's on our way back home, and promised to make sure Dad would be okay with it. I hugged her goodbye, for the very first time ever, as I got out of the car.
A half hour later, Benn and I were walking, hand in hand, through the park. I told him all about my night out with Kate, and he seemed to be enjoying listening to me being so happy. Once I'd told him everything, we walked in silence for a while.
"Do you think I should get a job?" I asked.
Benn stopped and turned towards me.
"You're dropping out of school?"
"No, I meant like, a part-time one."
"Sure, I guess. But don't your parents pay for everything you need anyways?"
"Yeah, but that also means I'm entirely dependent on them."
"Your point?"
"I dunno. I guess I just... I want to be able to leave when I finish school, if I want to."
"Sure then. I don't see why you don't just get a full-time one and drop out, but yeah."
I didn't bother arguing with him about dropping out. It was too complicated. Instead, I looked away. Benn kissed the top of my head, put his arm around me, and pulled me close as we walked.
"You'll be 'right, baby."
"I know." I smiled and leaned into him.
I sort of wished he understood. Actually, I sort of wished he understood many things. It'd be cool if he was one of those people I could talk to about anything, and know he'll understand. Things deeper than what we're doing tomorrow night, or how much we wished we were somewhere else. I guess it was a little bit my fault. I was sure Benn and I would talk about what we feel for each other more often, if he wasn't too smart to bring it up. He'd learnt by now that I didn't respond well to that kind of conversation, and that it ultimately ended with him saying "I love you," and me not saying it back.
And how could I? I didn't mean it, and I think he knew that too. Sure I felt guilty about it, but what was I going to do? Maybe this was the closest I'd come to falling in love, but I wasn't going to pretend I loved him when I didn't. And I couldn't anyways- because I could never bring myself to say the words.
I was going to get a job. That way, when I wanted to leave, I could. I hated this feeling of being so incredibly dependant on the person I resented most. And I wanted to be able to do something with my life, when I wanted to. Unfortunately, I needed money to do that.
It didn't take long to get a job. Granted, it sucked, but it was a job. I'd spend two nights a week washing the dishes at a small restaurant in the town centre. The pay was surprisingly good, and because I was over sixteen, they didn't bother talking to my parents- which suited me just fine, seeing as Dad was unlikely to okay this, as it "distracted me from my studies".
I don't know what he planned for me to be, though I know he set his standards too high. I was never going to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or some sort of scientist. I didn't know what I wanted to do when I finished school, but it sure as hell wasn't anything he wanted me to do. I just always figured one day, I'd find my passion, and all would be well. Nowadays, I tried to think about it as little as possible because I was getting surprisingly close to the point in time where I'd have to make a choice. And I had no clue. They say ignorance is bliss- I wouldn't call it bliss, but it does make things better.
