Thirty-Nine.
I looked up. The machine whose constant, steady beeping had let me fall asleep without worry was silent; all its cords either torn from Benn's arm or from the machine itself. His arm hung limply from the side of the bed, the end of two of the cords still in his hand. The bag of fluid that hung from the big silver stand next to the bed was nearly empty, and I watched for a moment as the contents slowly dripped into the puddle on the ground on the right side of the bed.
I wanted to scream; to break this silence that made the air taste so heavy and sour. So bitter; like poison. I wanted to break this silence that let death fill the entire room; but my voice wouldn't cooperate. My shaking hand moved towards the big red 'emergency' button on my side of the bed. I hit it, tentatively at first; then really hard. Again, and again. And another couple of times. Like it was to blame for this, when I knew well that it was Benn who'd used his last ounce of strength to tear the cords from him and silence the machine, so I wouldn't wake up. He knew the painkillers were enough to let his weak body go without pain, if he just stopped the machines and closed his eyes. In response to my pressing the emergency button, a loud, alarming beeping began and I lay down next to him again. I held his hand and lay my head on his chest; squeezing my eyes shut tight. This couldn't be happening.
A nurse and a doctor rushed in, along with Jordan who must have just gotten us breakfast because he was carrying two cups of takeaway coffee and a paper bag. He dropped it all on the bedside table and helped a yelling nurse and doctor by pulling me off Benn. I was screaming too, my voice had finally decided to return, as I clung onto Benn's hand. But the doctor wrapped his hand firmly around my wrist and forced me to let go.
Tears were streaming down my face as Jordan set me down a few feet away from the bed. But my legs wouldn't hold me, and I felt them collapse under me. So Jordan scooped me up into his arms and carried me outside. I objected heavily, kicking and screaming and crying. But he remained silent, his expression set in stone; his arms wrapped firmly around my body. I ran out of breath and felt my body go limp as I leaned into him. Still sobbing, I noticed Jordan's expression was composed, cold almost, as he stared through the window into Benn's room. I lifted my head just in time to see the doctor shake his head, and the burse bite her lip. I saw tears in Jordan's eyes, but he still remained awfully calm.
"How can you be so quiet, so..." I couldn't even finish that sentence.
"Because only one of us can lose it right now. And you did it first."
"This can't be happening..." I shook my head in disbelief.
"Shhh." He softly stroked my hair.
"How can you tell me to 'shhh'? How can you be so settled about this?"
Jordan swallowed hard, and I could see he was fighting hard to stop the tears.
"I had a feeling he might do this."
"What?!"
Anger was bubbling up inside of me, as I scrambled in Jordan's arms, trying to get him to set me down. But he held on tight, so I gave up again.
"You knew and you didn't tell me? Or anyone? You let him do this?!"
"I called you. I thought that'd make him better."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"Me? Out of all people? I am the reason he was here in the first place!"
"Bec, listen to me."
"No, I - "
"Bec. Shut up and listen." He said firmly.
