Thirty-Two.
I felt a lot better after spending the afternoon with Jordan. I was beginning to stop blaming myself. I knew I probably always would blame myself to some extent, but it was diminishing. In my head, I knew Jordan was right in saying it wasn't my fault; but if I'd learnt anything over the past few years it was that what your head knows, isn't always what your heart feels.
"So how long are you in town still?"
"Until whenever Benn wakes up, I guess."
I was tempted with an "if he wakes up," but I bit my tongue and decided I couldn't think that way. Not if I was going to have any chance of staying at least sort of sane.
"What about you?"
"I've got to go back tomorrow; I've got work at night."
"Ah."
There was an awkward pause as we stood in front of my house. The sun had disappeared behind the horizon, and the sky was beginning to darken as the street lights slowly lit up. I felt like Jordan was judging me a little bit, for placing something as trivial as a job before staying here with Benn. But staying here with Benn would only make me worse, I knew that. As soon as he was okay, I wasn't going to be around here anymore. I'd be in the city, in a new life, with new people. Just as long as I knew Benn was and would be okay.
"If you give me your number, I can keep you updated on Benn?" Jordan offered.
I felt a grateful smile on my face. I knew Jordan wasn't judging me, nor was he angry that I was leaving. I was just being paranoid.
"Yes, please." I replied.
We exchanged mobiles and punched each other's numbers in.
"Call me or message me whenever, yeah?"
"I will. Thanks so much."
I gave Jordan a hug, before walking up the steps to the front door. He disappeared slowly down the street, beginning the twenty minute walk to Benn's house. Or the hospital. Who knew. I didn't dare ask.
&&&.
I went back to the hospital for a bit before going back to the city. As expected, nothing had changed. Benn's chest was still ever-so-steadily and ever-so-subtly rising and falling, in time with the beeping of some machine that was keeping him alive. Someone had changed his pyjamas though. It was good to know he was being looked after, I guess. I sat with him for a while and told him about my afternoon with Jordan, and apologised some more. I knew Benn would never let me blame this on myself, but with being unconscious and all, his argument was pretty limited.
I kissed his cheek, and quietly walked out. My mind tripped on that one for a second. I wanted him to wake up, so desperately, yet when I left the room I felt the need to be quiet, to not wake him. I shook my head. The human mind was a strange phenomenon.
&&&.
Back at work that night, the first thing I did was apologise to Megan. She said she understood, and not to worry, and in no time we were back to what we used to be. It was a busy night at the bar, and while we had our hands full, we still managed to slip in bits and pieces of conversation between drinks. I told her about Benn. Our relationship, the break-up, the coma. She was taken aback at the latter.
"Wow, really?"
"Yeah. It's been almost a month now."
"Do you think..." Megan didn't need to finish that question. I knew the end to it very well.
"He has to."
She remained silent.
"And I have to believe in it, so I don't fall apart."
"Yeah. I guess you do."
We both went our separate ways for a bit again, but eventually things got quieter and we could relax, having to make only the occasional drink as most people moved away from the bar and onto the tables - which we weren't responsible for so long there were waitresses around.
"Good to see the blue's back, by the way." Megan tugged at the blue bit in my hair.
I laughed a little, trying not to remind myself of why it was gone to begin with, and why it was back. It was okay for me to remember Mum now, because it was okay to love her. She hadn't hurt me, Dad had. It was easier not to dwell on it now that I knew.
That was the thing with knowledge. So long we know there was something, but we didn't know what, it never leaves our mind. We can't deal with the idea that there is something we don't know, because we start feeling like we should know. Like we need to know. Like we're missing something. Sure, in this case it was something I needed to know, because I was missing something.
But sometimes I think this compulsive need to know that which we know we do not know, is just our own aching for something to complete us. But what do I know, really?
&&&.
I talked to Jordan a lot over the next few days, but every time I asked whether he was awake, I got the same reply: no. It was starting to get really hard to keep telling myself he would wake up, because I had no clue whether or not he would. It was getting to me more than I was happy for it to, which got to me more. As much as I tried to stay upbeat, I wasn't succeeding.
I managed to act the part pretty well at work- in my opinion anyways. But when I absent-mindedly had a smile stuck to my face and stared into space while pouring drinks, and missed what she said almost every time she talked to me, Megan knew. She tried her best to cheer me up, and in a way it worked. But it only ever worked momentarily. Two minutes later, I'd be the same. Every time. I could not get Benn off my mind. I was trying my very hardest not to imagine him not waking up, but I was starting to lose the battle. Images started flashing in my head. Finding out. The funeral. How everyone would blame me. How I'd blame myself. His coffin being lowered into the ground...
I had a sudden urge to throw up, and stormed out of the bar and into the back room, which resembled a high-school change room. There were a few small lockers to put our things into while we worked, a male and female bathroom, and a bench in the middle of the room. I sat on the bench, my face in my hands and my knees tucked up to my chest. I frantically shook my head, trying to stop what I knew was coming. I don't know why I still bothered trying to fight my own mind- I never won. I knew it was going to happen, no matter how hard I fought it...
Mum appeared. Suddenly the coffin was hers; the place was covered in forget-me-nots- our favourite flower; on the coffin sat a picture identical to the one on my bedside table. In my mind, I saw myself step forward and reach out. I wanted to touch the coffin, I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to open it just to make sure it was really her. But I stepped and stepped, and the coffin didn't come any closer. It disappeared into ground, and I stepped towards the grave. But again, I stepped and stepped, quicker and quicker, but I got no closer.
I squeezed my eyes shut tight, and the picture blurred, crumbled, and slowly faded. I sat in the dark room, and tears started streaming down my face. I didn't hear the door open and shut; I didn't hear you come in. I felt a pair of arms wrap around me ever so tight, and a head rest on top of mine; and I didn't even have to look up.
