Thirty.
I was in a sombre sort of mood, which bordered on downright foul when I went to work a few days later. I hadn't dared to look at the rest of the contents of the envelope, and just shoved it back into the very bottom of the drawer. Then there was forgetting you, which was so much harder than I'd thought possible. If only you hadn't turned up at that club that night. I was doing fine before that. I cursed under my breath, and Megan looked at me, an eyebrow raised. It was a pretty quiet night, so we had some time to talk.
"What's up, Bec?"
"Nothing."
"Liar."
"It's a long story."
"We're working for another four hours. Go for your life."
I looked at her, somewhat gratefully. I didn't know whether I'd feel better if I talked about you, but maybe I would. And maybe Megan could actually help. What I really needed to talk about was Mum. But I didn't feel up to doing that yet.
So I told Megan the short version of our story, leading up to when we danced at the club last week. From then on, I told her everything. There was just nothing I could leave out.
"If you can't live without him, why are you trying?"
"Because I need to live without him."
"But why?" She persisted.
I had no answer to that that didn't involve telling her all about Mum. I bit my lip.
"You love him Bec, it's so obvious. Just let yourself."
I paused.
"I don't fall in love."
"It's not really something you decide. Because as far as I've heard, you've done all you can to fight it- and it's not working out very well for you."
And that was where the conversation ended, because I walked away from it. I felt bad for being so rude to Megan, who was only trying to be a friend, but she was saying all the wrong things. Or all the right things, I guess.
I'd created a terrible mood around the place, with Megan seeming to be offended and annoyed, as well as somewhat worried, while I was just quietly going about my own work. It didn't take Roland long to notice, and he wasn't happy. He pulled me out of the bar and into his office.
"Care to share?" he asked.
"I've got nothing to share."
"You're a terrible liar."
I remained silent. People kept saying that.
"Look, whatever's going on with you- don't let it bring Megan down too."
"Sorry."
"I hire people like you and Megan to keep the place upbeat and interesting. I didn't open this place to create another place for people to share depression and anger, and be given alcohol to drown it out."
"I know..." I said quietly.
"So right now, you are going to go home, sort out whatever it is you need to sort out, and come back tomorrow night being yourself again."
I had nothing to say.
"Have I made myself clear?"
"Yes."
"Go then."
I obediently left out the back door. I stood outside for a moment, confused as to what to do now. I looked up into the stars, and heard a faded voice inside my head. And then I knew.
