Longing For You

How Am I doing without you?

After I cut off ties with Viktor, I feel as if I've changed.

It was a drastic change, an unpredictable change that not even I saw coming. I knew that would change, but I didn't think that I would change this much....

When Viktor left, I didn't retire. Oh no, I'm very much still in the skating game. I'm just taking a little bit of a break to try out new things you know?

I decided to try out piano lessons and I'm actually improving as the days go on...

I actually hit up that university student for the sheet music for Yuri On Ice. She gave me the information and I brought it to my teacher.

It started out as a pretty difficult piece but after a few weeks or so I finally was able to master it.

Now that I'ma able to play it fro myself, I've noticed it's a really beautiful piece. A piece of someone alone who was able to find happiness again and comfort with someone else.

Piano...It became my escape. It became my way of letting go of everything. It felt I was transported to another world. The keys became my heart strings, the keys became my Synchronized emotions and the sound that they made became calming melodies that I could listen to over and over again without getting tired. It was my way of forgetting everything that happened that night with Viktor...

The night I had to let him go in the same place that we really fell in love.

Minako, Phichit, Yuko and the others all were there for me when we came back from Barcelona. I was a wreck the next few days without Viktor. I stayed shut up in my room, not allowing myself any contact with the outside world. I didn't to hear what the people had to say about Viktor and I. My insecurities began rising back up again and I felt helpless.

I needed to find a coping mechanism.

My mother told me not to eat too much if I ever planned on going back to skating one day, but I don't think I ever will...

But then one night at a cafe, I found it.

Someone was playing Allegro Appassionato in B minor at the cafe and I was just drawn to it for some reason. The way she was playing was so majestic and beautiful and it had me listening for hours. I never talked to that performer that night, but I kind of wish I did.

I talked to Phichit about it, after he literally fussed over me and threatened to come to Japan himself and take care of me, and he said that I should take lessons. I took his advice and began looking through Japan for a piano teacher.

The person I found, was the same person I saw at the cafe that night.

She was so kind, and she told me she was a big fan. She looked sad once she found out that I might retire. She said that she would teach me, but she also made me promise that one day I would return to the ice.

I said that I wasn't sure, but to be honest...One day I'll return to the ice. One day I might be able to see Viktor again...

One day I might be able to build back all the bonds that I have lost in the past 2 years.

When I first started taking lessons, the piano kind of spoke to me ya know? I was trying to make it like what Viktor said to me 2 years ago...

"Yuri, do you know why I decided to become your coach? I was drawn to you because of the music...The way you skate like your body is creating music."

That's what I'm trying to do with the piano. I'm trying to draw people to me with the way my fingers create music on the keyboard. I'm trying to create a story with my music. I'm telling a story out of passion, out of loneliness, and out of love.