Longing For You

I want to see you...

Have you ever had a reoccurring nightmare? I've had multiple reoccurring nightmares about life, death, love, and betrayal.

But only one of those reoccurring dreams had become a reality. Or maybe it was a look into the future that the universe was giving me, but I was just too blind to see it. It was a warning about something that would easily become on of the worst mistakes of my life. I had let Yuri let me go...

My reoccurring nightmare in Barcelona, where Yuri and I went our separate ways after the Grand Prix Final. Yuri had fallen into a major slump and let his insecurities catch back up to him. And he fell like a bird being shot out of the sky, or an angel falling out of heaven.

The way back to Hasestsu was the worst part. It was painful that neither of us could work up the courage to even get a word out of each other. The press was everywhere and Yuri was having a struggle answering all the questions they were throwing at him at once. I had to get him out fo there as fast as physically possible.

We try to hide our true feelings from the world, but to be honest, what do we really know about ourselves anyway? In real life we have broken up fragments of ourselves, each missing fragment when put in the right place, reveal something else new about ourselves. They all feel so close to us, but yet so far away...

I guess Yuri was one of the missing pieces that I needed in order to make me whole. Now he feels so far away, but yet so close all the same and I can't stand it!

The world is full of unanswered questions and unresolved mysteries that no one can answer until they find out for themselves. Because every and each answer can and will be different from the other. nd life shall and will keep creating more and more questions as we grow up a bit more and learn more about ourselves and the unfamiliar world around us.

Life and Love, those are the two things I've proceeded to neglect fro over 20 years. Noe that I've finally gotten ahold of the two things I've been trying to keep away from me for so long, they were ripped out of my grasp once again. The blade that keeps me away from those things was set back into my hands after Yuri had left and now I can't seem to let it go.

I don't hate Yuri, in fact, I think I love him more than I thought I did. I've tried to think that maybe if I didn;t meet Yuri that I wouldn't be feeling this way, but that only makes my feelings stronger. Maybe it was too early for the both of us. Maybe I pushed him too hard into believing that he had to love me in order to be together. Even though against the opposing evidence, the little voice at the back of my head is telling me otherwise.

Yuri really is something, isn't he?

Ever since that night Yurio has come to terms with his sexuality and started dating Otabek Atlin. How the angsty teenager managed to get that one I have no idea. Add that to the list of unanswered questions.

I have returned to the ice and I'm using my heartbreak as a way to make my message stronger. A story of a blossoming love and an inescapable heartbreak that no one could see coming.

I wish I could make it easy for the both of us, I wish I could make it easy fro the both of us to love each other. And I'm still at the part where I'm looking for the right word to say. I'm slowly drifting away from the reality I once knew.

(I had to find some way to work this into here)

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I was sitting on the couch reading a book while Lilia and Yakov were arguing over which steps they should take for Yurio. I had made some hot cocoa and was sipping on it slowly in order to not burn my tongue when Yurio nearly kicked the door off its hinges.

"Viktor turn the TV on!" he yelled skidding to a halt in front of me, his hands on his knees and back arched.

"Why should I do that?" I ask tilting my book downwards.