As I so often am, I'm lying in bed not able to sleep. There's too much going on in my brain for me to be able to relax. I think it's because I had a much more busy day than I've had for a while- James insisted that it wasn't healthy for me to be so cooped up, and consequently he physically dragged me outside. I know he was right and I'm glad I did it, but right now I'm totally exhausted. My head is thumping, and my heart still hurts.
I was terrified that we'd run into Brad, but thankfully we didn't- I'd be much more of a wreck if we had. Though it was nice to spend time with James. I haven't felt truly happy for so long, but I got almost close today. I was crying, but this time from laughter as James was regaling me with stories about the stupid people he has to deal with at work. It's times like that I'm glad I don't have a real job- I'm a writer of sorts but I work for myself, I couldn't deal with the stress of anything else, especially not now.
As much fun as I was having, part of me still felt sad as messing around in clothes shops (like me and James did today) was the sort of thing me and Brad used to do, and I can't stop thinking that regardless of how much I love James, it would be better with Brad. It makes a change that I got through the whole day without crying, and although that doesn't sound very impressive, it's quite an achievement for me.
As I lay in bed, my mind drifts to what used to happen when insomnia struck when Brad was around. He would sit hugging me and sometimes singing to me until I drifted off, and sometimes I would just lie with my head on his chest as he rubbed my back to soothe me. My eyes fill with tears at the memory of him pressing a light kiss to my forehead as I was falling asleep- so much for not crying.
I'm trying desperately to blink back the tears, but they start to fall before I can do anything. I'm used to it now, and at least I don't cry anywhere near as much as I used to. As the tears stream down my cheeks, I'm reminded of Brad wiping the tears whilst singing something quietly. I don't remember what the song even was, but just the memory of is enough to set me off even more.
After wallowing in bed for a bit, I come to the conclusion that I'm not going to get any sleep now, so I get up to go and sit on the couch. I pick a book off a pile on the floor and try to distract myself from how much my heart continues to break. I'm barely registering the words, but it provides a pretty good distraction. Eventually though I decide that I'm not taking any of it in, so I move on to poetry.
I know this book is Brad's, it's one of those little things that I couldn't bear to part with. I remember him reading bits to me at various points, and I have to smile to myself. I scan over the pages until I find a line that really resonates with me- 'love is so short, forgetting is so long.' I know how that feels- I've been grieving for this relationship for longer than I was even in it. I sit with that one line going round and round in my head, and soon enough I begin to feel tired again.
I head back over to my bed, fighting the urge to put one of Brad's shirts on- it's not quite bad enough for that yet. I lie there in the darkness, the words still in my mind. Maybe I can do something with them tomorrow, write them down or something, but right now I want to sleep. I curled on my side, which is how I always sleep now- it made me feel secure when I was first missing the comfort of Brad's warm body next to me, and now I'm just used to it.
I'm not used to lots of other things without him, but sleeping is something I was forced to adapt to. I often toss and turn, but I never fully stretch myself out- I'd feel too exposed. Trying not to think about how much comfier I'd be if I wasn't alone, I adjust my pillow. I never used to need one, I always slept on Brad's chest, but again, I'm used to it now. I'm still an exhausted, tearstained mess, but at least I'm getting some sleep.
However, as soon as I get comfortable, I'm startled by a knock at the door. It's 1 in the morning, this had better be important. I honestly have no idea what's going on, maybe it isn't anyone. Maybe it's just the wind. I get out of bed and pull on a pair of jogging bottoms, as I can't answer the door in my boxers. I go across the dark hallway, stumbling as I go to turn on the light. Wondering what the hell is going on, I unlock the door, wanting to go back to bed. When I open the door, I'm shocked to see someone who looks as tired and tearful as me stood there.
"Uh, hi." Brad says.
------
Ooh, a cliffhanger 😉 Let me know if you enjoyed this, and what you think will happen next...
The poem mentioned in this is 'Tonight I can write the saddest lines' by Pablo Neruda, and it's beautiful, definitely worth looking up.
YOU ARE READING
How You Get The Boy (Bronnor au)
Fanfiction'Broke your heart, I'll put it back together, I want you for ever and ever' Connor never quite got over the relationship him and Brad used to have, as hard as he tried to. He just couldn't. He assumed that Brad would always be in his mind, but not...
