Things We Lost In the Fire

Before I Let Go

"One must find time for himself. Time is what we pend our lives with. If we are not careful we find others spending it for us. It is necessary now and then for a man to go away by himself and experience loneliness; to sit on a rock in the forest and to ask of himself. 'Who am I, and where have I been, and where am I going?' If one is not careful, one allows diversions to take up one's time—the stuff of life."- Carl Sandburg

While he was away living his life, I think he just assumed I'd be sitting at home in Minnesota just awaiting his return. WRONG.

Between July and August, I took several trips to celebrate my graduation. I went for a couple of days with Naima to Toronto. Since she's moving up there later in the fall, I figured I'd help her house hunt.

A week later, Morgan, Woody, Keith and I flew to California. Taking a quick trip to Sacramento, Keith introduced me to his family. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed because he gave me no warning about this impromptu visit. I tried my best not to look dumbfounded when he introduced me to everyone as "The One He Can See Himself Marrying".
   Ending our week, we all went out on a double date on the Santa Monica pier. Sitting on the crispy white sand, entangled in Keith's arms as we watched the sunset, I gazed up at him attempting to mentally visualize us having a future together. I mean do we have a future together?
   He might not be my family's ideal pick for me and he's a little rough around the edges, but I feel like he has potential. I'm a long way from saying I'm in love with him, but at least one day I might be able to say that to him. I have love for Prince, but could I ever be in love with him? I dont think I could say I love you to someone who is knowingly in love with someone else.

   To end the summer, the whole family headed down south. We spent a few days at Walt Disney World before heading to the place I've been dying to return to for years: Trinidad.
   Once we touched down in San Fernando, I was at peace. Hanging with relatives I hadn't seen in years, exploring the scenery on walks, meditating, and hanging in the hammock taking in the ocean view from our rented villa put me in an indescribable state of tranquility.

Wanting to remain in this constant state of self-reflection I put myself in, I purposely avoided any calls from Prince.

But as soon as I returned to the states, I could tell his inability to dive into my ocean was getting the best of him.

"God, Jazz it's like pulling teeth trying to convince you to come see me!"

You goddamn right it is. I knew all along I was going to fly out to see him, but I had to play hard to get. I loved to hear him practically beg like Keith Sweat.

Ever since the beginning of the summer, he'd been offering to fly me out to him. First it was Sweden, then Paris. I figured I'd take him up on his offer to go be with him for a few days in London since that was the end of the first leg of the tour.

When I told him, that I was thinking about taking a vow of abstinence (against him) I had to pull the phone away from my face so I wouldn't laugh into the receiver. The tone in his voice became almost too calm, thats how I knew he was mad. I still don't get how he could be so upset about it, he acts like he doesn't have coochie at his disposal 24/7.

I'm still not sure if I'll give it to him when I touch down in London, I'm just not sure. Honestly, I miss how simple things were when we were just friends. At this point, I don't know if he keeps me around just for the sex or because he actually enjoys my company. I need to know.