Oh boy.
I slowly get out of my bed.
"Ok... Where is your mom?" I ask Josie, not sure I'm ready for this conversation.
"She's um... She's in Lacy's room but I can have her come here if you want...." she offers awkwardly.
My natural response is to say, "Oh don't bother her it's fine."
But the minute I blurt that out, I regret it. It's going to be a struggle getting me to focus on someone else's words if I'm in Lacy's room...
My self conscious self is too afraid to admit that actually, I'd rather talk somewhere else, so I gulp down my nerves and, reluctantly, head to Lacy's room.
"Hey Aunt Cassie?" I softly call as I enter. I try to focus my eyes her hunched form so as not to let my brain fully understand that this is the room of the sister that... I'll... I'll never see again...
But the more I refuse to look at the stuffed animals, dolls, clothes, and dolls' clothes scattered around the room, the more I simply see them in my mind's eye.
"Gen! Oh Gen, um... Come sit."
I slowly lower myself onto Lacy's bed next to Aunt Cassie.
It's awful, the mix of emotions inside me...
Being in Lacy's room gives both the feeling that she'll be here soon to play with her toys and throw on the pink dress from the floor that she wore yesterday and the eerie knowledge that the very purpose that the toys and clothes had on this earth is gone... Forever.
Holding back a sob, I look at Aunt Cassie and wait for her to speak again.
Several times, she opens her mouth only to clamp it shut again as she fights against her own tears.
Finally she takes a deep breath, looks at me and whispers, "Would it make me a monster if I asked you to tell me again what happened to your sister?"
I stare at a certain stuffed unicorn on the ground and shake my head slowly. "No, I mean... Of course not."
A heavy silence falls between us. Words seem to evade me; it's as if I've never spoken before and all I know are feelings. Gradually, I gather my thoughts and Aunt Cassie does nothing except patiently wait.
"She um... Had cancer for a while. And was just recently told she was terminal."
I pause to swallow the lump in the throat.
"She... She was supposed to have about three months. But she literally p-rayed that, since she was g-gonna go anyway, that she could take on all the cancers of all the kids in the hospital so they wouldn't have to suffer and d-d-die too."
Aunt Cassie's eyes spill over with silent tears. "I've never meant anyone who would do that... Much less a seven year old..."
I swallow hard. "Yeah... Now that I think about it... She may have given up those three months for us too... She always hated us getting upset when she was hurting and watching her... Wither for three months..."
Aunt Cassie stares at her hands.
"She saved another life, you know."
Aunt Cassie's words are barely audible as she continues to whisper.
"I was just about to go have an abortion when you all got home."
I'm stunned into silence. Honestly, I'm not sure what I expected to hear but somehow, this wasn't it.
Josie had made it seem to me that abortion was the one thing her mother swore she'd never even dream of doing.
"Aunt Cassie... I-"
"I didn't want to! That's the horror of it!" she suddenly croaks, as if pleading with me for forgiveness.
I start quietly ssshhhh-ing her as if she were a small child as her words and wails slowly get louder.
"My husband came back, Gen. He came back. All I'd ever wanted was for him to come back and he did, but he said he didn't want another baby. He told me to choose him or the baby and I wanted him so bad, I was so BLINDED BY THE LIE THAT HE WOULDN'T HURT ME AGAIN THAT I ALMOST-"
Her words come to an abrupt halt as her tears race down her face and her shoulders heave.
I don't know what to do...
"Aunt... Cassie?" I whisper.
She looks up from her hands and takes a while to get a hold of herself.
"What... What does this have to do with... My Lacy girl?" I squeak out, wanting nothing more then to hold her right now...
Aunt Cassie shakes a little before slowly pushing her words out.
"Well, she... What she did taught me that-that I can't put my own desires... My own... fantasies... Above the children I have... And the one I now carry. If she can give up her life so others can live... Then I can give up the life I... Want to have... So that this child gets the chance to live..."
She places a hand on her stomach and finally lets a small, sad sort of smile escape her lips.
I smile too.
"Do you know if it's a girl or a boy yet?"
She shakes her head. "That's the next appointment I'll be making. I'm gonna get an ultrasound that will hopefully be able to tell us which gender."
Her smile grows until there's not even a trace of sorrow left in it.
"If it's a girl, I'm going to name her Lucy. Ya know... Inspired by Lacy but... Not quite the same...?"
She giggles at herself a little, as if not sure she's making any sense.
I smile wider.
And suddenly, I find myself throwing my arms around Aunt Cassie.
Caught by surprise, she tenses up at first. Then I can feel her gasp my name and return the hug with all the strength of the woman that she's become.
"I'm gonna do better. I promise. No more beers, no more... Men... No more. I'm gonna be there for my family. And sweet Gen, you better believe that this time... I won't be leaving you alone in the streets."
Yo kids! Sooooooooo I'm super excited cause I got a new book idea!!! But that's kinda irrelevant sorry lol. More on that in the authors note I'll write at the end of this book!
So how are you all feeling about Aunt Cassie now? Gaining respect for her or still kinda hesitant to trust her? Thank you all for reading!!!
