DiArY oF a WeIrDo KiD

Idk man 😂

Man this is why I don't like being left alone with my own thoughts😂😂

I'm not in my feels Y'all I'm just thinking bout life and the future.

So... Kind of story time? Not really.

Anyways moving on. People do bad things with really good intentions. I love all my family but the way they're setting up my life makes me question if it's really my life or theirs. I know my mom, Nana (grandma), and aunt want the best for me but deciding my life for isn't exactly the best way.

So they're basically those really strict who restricts their child from everything. I had to beg for most of the things I have 😂 Some they just don't know about. Their plan for me is to be this really successful doctor, that married the perfect guy at the age of 30 and has children then. They want me to be really religious, never do anything bad (which is inevitable I believe), and basically be perfect.

A lot of people ask me "Why don't you just tell them you don't want that?" I would of I could. I've been taught and grew up to meet everyone's expectations that it's just been natural for me to keep my mouth shut and do what I was told. And it's hard to break out of natural things.

So lemme just start with everyone's plan and how they've unfortunately contributed badly to my life even though I still love them.

My Mom:

I care greatly if many people's opinion and hers is one. So it's no surprise that I try to be exactly what she wants.
I keep almost everything from my mom and her not really being here that much has affected our relationship a lot. But I have a huge fear of disappointing her so I just sit still and look pretty.

We're like those moms and daughters who look like goal on the outside but on the inside it's a hella big mess. Like I've gained really big habits from her telling me advice and listening and doing her exact moves. If I don't like something I fix it which is what she always did to me. Most things I don't like have to do with me and they're not really good but I'm not gonna get into that right now.

My Grandmother

To be honest, I think this all started because of her. She's on of the coolest people I know but she's kind of a bitch oops 🙊

When I brought the idea of becoming a singer over a doctor to her and my mom that shit got rejected so quickly so I just stopped trying. My grandmother indirectly told me to lose weight before. She always used to tell me to either stop being lazy and exercise or to stop eating as much. I think she was glad that I joined cheer.

My Aunt:

This woman isn't even my biological aunt. She's just my Mom's best friend that's been there since I was 4.

But when I tell you it aggravates me when she tells me to do better everyday there is no joke. Her expectations are so high fucking high that I sometimes can't satisfy her. She expects me to be the role model of a 16 year old. Expects me to always choose the right choices. Expects me to be the maid of the house. And expects me to keep all A's. Let's not forget I'm only 13.

My grandmother doesn't really like her because she knows she takes a lot of her moods out on us (my cousin and I) and it really upsets us.

My aunt be hella tripping.

So basically what I'm saying is that I'm becoming a perfectionist and I'm falling into all of their patterns. My mom works a lot and I never really see her. I remember I used to be hella jealous of all those families where they always went out and had that mother figure cause I really don't until she thinks something is wrong. Either way I'm going to become that mother that's always at work.

My Nana was so obsessed on fixing me when I was younger that I began to do it to myself. All physical, mental, and emotional aspects I hated about myself were/ and are leaving.

My aunt got into my head that no matter what I do it's never enough. She also gave me the tendency to block my emotions from almost everything. Which is probably why I don't cry at funerals, or when something really exciting happens for me I never get excited.

It's all a big mess and it's gonna slowly drive me insane. And the messed up thing is I don't really care at this point and I'm not gonna try to fix it. An unsuccessful plan leads to an unsuccessful life. Do not follow my steps y'all.