Ex with Benefits (sequel to Roommates with Benefits)

Once upon a bad boy

This is a little insight into Lukas' mind, I hope it'll serve to better understand him :) 

I'm thinking I might dig a little deeper into his past,like...bring in his mom,see the pre-bad boy Lukas...would you like that? Seeing baby Lukas lol. Of course,that'd mean I'd talk about Tara's past,too. I just feel like digging deeper into their lives,I mean, not just high school, but also what they lived before, just so you better get why do they do what they do. What do you think? :)

Also,in case you'd missed it,there's a Ask Lukas piece at the end of Roommates with Benefits,I'd love it if you read it ;)

CHAPTER 16 - ONCE UPON A BAD BOY

LUKAS' POV

Turn around. Come on, turn around, damnit. I just fucking bared my heart to you, turn around. She didn't. Of course she didn't. And why would she? After all I've done, after how much I've hurt her, why would she still believe me when I say I love her?

It's like that tale, the boy who kept crying wolf until it actually came, and nobody believed him. I underlined how much I don't give a damn about her, these past three years I made a show of how I didn't care for her anymore, so now how can she believe me when I say I do?

Tara left, without a word, and, inevitably, my heart dropped. I deserve it, I fucking do, but that doesn't make it any easier.

You know what's the biggest mistake I've made? Bottling up my feelings. Before we started falling apart, I showered her with love, I told her and showed her I loved her so many times, but ... I never voiced negative emotions. 

I never told her, never admitted when I was hurt, afraid it would make me less manly in her eyes. I never told her how much it hurt to stand there and watch how she drifted away, how her heart slipped out of my hands, I never told her how much it hurt to keep seeing the comparison between me and her oh, so perfect ex, and I never, never told her how much I needed her beside me when my dad passed away.

I never told her that all I needed was to crawl in her arms and cry like a baby. I never told her that all I needed was for her to squeeze that pain out of me. I just ... never voiced that sorrow, never said it out loud, never even made her notice that her distant attitude was killing me.

Every night, when I laid down beside her, I hesitated, craving to take refuge in her arms, every night I turned my back to her instead of seeking her comforting embrace. I pushed her away, ignored her, neglected her, while I was only trying to be the tough guy I've always been. I was only trying to keep up with the idea she had of me, I didn't want her to see me as the poor boy that just lost his dad. 

I went through that phase when I was 13, and my mom passed away. People pitied me, looked at me like I was some poor lost cause, until I got tired of all those pitiful looks, and I built that image, the bad boy thing that stuck to me throughout my whole life.

I thought it'd work this time, too. I thought that, bottling up the sorrow like I did when I was 13 would help me get over the loss, but I only worsened things between me and my wife. I practically pushed her into Aaron's arms, didn't I?

The sole good thing about that period was how close Nicky and I got. How much time we spent together, when she tried to comfort me, I loved it, I loved every single minute of it. 

Like the times I would sit on the porch on my own, trying to make sense out of such a sudden, unpredictable loss, and my daughter came to me, offering a beer for me, coke for her, we sat there on the rocking bench, and it was her to do the cuddling, we reversed the roles, it was my 13-years-old daughter to cuddle me, her father, in her comforting embrace.