Kissing Boys (Solangelo high school AU)

Chapter 23

TW!!!!!!! Seriously. Also I'm changing it to 3-5 days bc whatever.

After we ate I went straight to the shower and just stood there for a while. I had noticed that there was a big bruise on my side from falling. I got that sensation again, the sensation of falling and the fear crawling up my spine.

I ran my face under the water and turned it on cold. While washing my hair I thought about Will, doing my hair and running his fingers through my hair at night.

I sighed and faced backward, I didn't want to see anyone. I felt as though I was going to puke, worrying about being disowned did that.

I imagined dad's face if I told him, we weren't religious, but I didn't know what he thought about gay people. His face twisted into a disgusted glare, he hit me. My eyes flashed open again, I needed to stop thinking about that. He wouldn't hurt me.

The thought of telling anyone how I felt made my throats feel like it was closing up, and my heart felt like it would burst.

"Nico? Did you fall asleep?" Hazel asked, knocking on the door.

"No! One second I'll be right out!" I managed.

"No, it's fine, I have my own shower, remember? I was just checking in on you."

"Okay then."

I looked at the razor in my shower and sighed. I promised Hazel I'd never do it again, but what harm would it do if she never saw it?

If telling people would just lead to me being hurt what difference would it make if I didn't and just punished myself?

No, I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself fall into that again, fall into what happened after Bianca died. Hazel was the only person that knew that I had cut after that. I didn't think I deserved to be alive, because I survived and she didn't. Hazel had caught me, she started sobbing so hard that I swore I'd never do it again.

I couldn't break that promise to her. She was my little sister.

My stomach felt like it was ready to turn itself inside out so I turned off the shower and got out, wrapping myself in a towel. So much had happened in one day, I was overwhelmed. I had felt so happy, so scared, sad, and got the urge to relapse. That was fucked up.

I got into my pajamas and checked my phone while I brushed my teeth.

One text from Will: You okay? You seemed a little scared when we walked home.

I texted back with one thumb: I'm good. Sorry to worry you, just a long day.

He responded almost instantly: Wanna talk about it?

I responded: Not much to talk about

Will: Alright, well goodnight, hopefully see you tomorrow.

I put my toothbrush down: You too.

I knew I was in a bad headspace, I could recognize it well enough, the issue was getting out of it. I didn't have the courage to talk about my feelings with Hazel or Will, especially not Will.

I left the bathroom and went to my bed, flopping on it.

I got another text, this time from my dad: Feeling better?

I texted back: Yeah, I'm not sick anymore. When are you coming back?

He said: Soon, on Monday actually.