Loves a Fight

Chapter XXIX Kains P.O.V

Once I close the door behind me a feeling of regret fills the air around me.
Everytime we fight she points out something I did wrong, and I always end up throwing something right back at her.
When she was out I just sorta lost it.
They wouldn't let me see her.
I was locked out.
I went on a rampage.
Protests were only the beginning.
The girls and the drugs.
I was spiraling out of control.
They knew what I was trying to do.
I don't know why I actually started doing it.

When she mentioned the fact that I was with that girl I was blindsided.
I had almost forgotten what she caught me doing.
When she said that it hurt her...
God I almost lost it.
I am pissed off.
Not at her, myself.
Why am I such a worthless piece of shit?

When she said she would have waited for me forever...
She was telling me that she cared a whole lot about me, and I just shit all over it.
Her tears...
I promised I would never hurt her again, yet here we are.

She should just leave my sorry ass behind.
I thought I lost her before when I slapped her.
She stayed.
Then she got kidnapped, stabbed and shot, yet she still cares about me.
All I did was disappoint her when she finally came around.

I realize I haven't left from the spot that I had paused to think.
Right out front of her door.
Her cries have died down.

I place a shaky hand on her door.
I need to see her.
She needs to know I am so fucking sorry.
When I turn the nob the door doesn't open.
She locked me out.
I sigh and slide down the door.
Getting out my phone and checking the time I see that I have been standing here for almost half an hour now.
She must have gone to sleep by now.

"I'm sorry..." I whisper even though I know she can't hear.
I feel obligated to apologise for what I have done.
Treating her like shit.
Making out with girls.
Well thats not all I did while she was out.

"I don't know what to do anymore..." I speak freely.
I don't know what to do anymore.
She should just leave, but I know that I will fall apart.
She needs more, but I'm to selfish to let her go.

"I don't mean any of the things I say to you..." I admit.
I don't mean any of the hateful things I say to her.
I just know she is the only person with the power to destroy me.
It scares me.
The knowledge of what she can do to me makes me act out irrationally.
I want to push her as far away as possible.

"I just don't know how to show you how I feel..." I tell my truth.
I don't know how to show her.
She is nothing like any of the other girls I have known in my life.
She doesn't want fancy things.
She doesn't care for complements.
All she wants is to know that you are there for her, and I have never shown her the only thing she needs.

"You don't make it easy..." I laughs slightly.
I may be bad, but she fights back.
Everytime she snaps back.
All the times she pushes me away.
It makes it harder to show her how I feel.
I always think she doesn't feel the some way when she pushes me away.

"I hope that when you wake up you can forgive me. I don't want to never see you again. I know that if I let you think that for even a day, you would never forgive me. Your trust means the world to me and if I lost it... I hope I didn't loose it..." I speak truthfully.
If I lost her...
God if I lost her I will lose my mind.
I am to deep now to push her away anymore.
I have to work for her.
Now that I have completely fucked everything over I have to work even harder.

"Noel if you can even possibly hear me. I.... I don't know what to say..." I can't finish that sentence.
I shouldn't have told her that I thought I loved her.
That must have really hurt her.
I basically said that I didn't like her anymore.
I clench my fists in anger.
Standing I hear a faint voice through the door.