Allodoxaphobia ♅ Viktuuri

21) ''I Had To Do It, Viktor. You Know That, Right?''

A/N Some of the phrasing in this is weird, it's not my best piece of writing but here's Yuuri's thoughts on the whole thing!

Yuuri couldn't help it. He had to do it, he kept telling himself that. He couldn't continue to be with Yuri when he knew they were no more than friends. He held no feelings but fondness towards the blonde boy. They were friends, good ones at that, but they weren't meant to be together. Yuuri had said yes out of pity, there was no reason to continue this lie.

Yuuri would have to break his heart- one he knew was no stronger than glass- so he would become stronger. No, he was just lying to himself. That was some poetic b*llshit he told himself as an excuse. Excuse after excuse. All because he couldn't keep his feelings in check. Yuuri wasn't an idiot. He knew Yuri had ulterior motives for asking him out that veered off the path of the simple 'I like you'. He had seen the looks going Otabek's way just as he had seen the looks of friendship and not love when they were together. He was being used. He didn't mind being used. But, now, it was over anyway. None of that mattered. Yuuri had ended it for Yurio. He knew the boy would only feel worse in a lie. Distraction didn't work, Yuuri knew that much- he was surprised it wasn't common knowledge.

Still, Yuuri couldn't escape the guilt that was eating his insides. He wanted to vomit, no, he wanted to do much more than that but he had the will to say no. For the first time in a long time, he had the will to say no. His life had been so much better than it had even been in the last few weeks, even with problems trailing behind him like a desperate puppy, so he wouldn't jeopardise that now. He would continue to live as he wanted to. Strong. He no longer wanted to be glass, he wanted to be diamond.

The weekend had passed by quickly and school had come all too quickly. Luckily, he had come in early enough to vent some of his problems but it didn't seem Viktor was in the right mind to listen- seemingly lost in his own thoughts too. Yuuri continued to talk nonetheless, gaining only hums in reply until he was interrupted about his rant about how his mum hadn't given him breakfast because she was in a rush despite almost force-feeding him every other day- he still had no strength to tell him about Yuri.

'Yuuri, I need to say something.' Viktor blurted, his eyes wide as if he was about to reveal his worst secret. 'I need to apologise about Lily. I kissed her and I shouldn't. I mean I should have known...' He stopped. Why was he apologising? Well, they both knew that. What was wrong was that they shouldn't have known that. They weren't allowed to know that. Knowing was wrong. Knowing was acknowledging their feelings. Acknowledging their feelings was breaking the law.

'It's fine.' Yuuri whispered before he could go any further. The sooner the conversation was over the better. They could know. They could just never speak it aloud. That would work...for now. Viktor nodded defeatedly, ashamed at himself for not being able to word it but nonetheless glad that Yuuri had said something. He knew, after experiencing it so many times, the silence was his worst punishment. Yuuri used silence like a knife, wielding it like a sword, pointing it at Viktor's throat so he could no longer speak.

Now, Yuuri just smiled, albeit weakly. His eyes were cast down but he looked accepting. He knew what had happened, he knew what Viktor did but he had forgiven it long ago. He had forgiven Viktor the moment Lily had said those dreaded words. Viktor was only worried because Yuuri had pulled away again. Well, they still spoke, but all mentions of his power had dissipated along with anything more than small talk.

Silence didn't last long. With the worst burden off Viktor's chest, Yuuri had to free his too. 'How's Yurio doing?' Yuuri knew Viktor knew. He just needed to know what Viktor thought. Viktor and Yurio were friends, best friends probably, the only opinion that matter more than Viktor's was Yuri's itself.

'Bad.' Viktor stated, saying no more. He didn't mean to be rude but there was nothing else to say. Yuri had been doing terrible, really, bad was just an understatement. But, it would do, Yuuri would know what he meant.

'I had to do it, Viktor. You know that, right? He was leading me on and I was letting him. I couldn't be a burden like that nor could I let him do that to me.' Yuuri admitted, his underlying anger slipping through. Yes, his largest reason for breaking it off had been to take the burden of Yuri's shoulders but, somewhere deep in his heart, he was mad. Mad that he had been led on. Mad at himself for letting himself be led on. Mad at the world for getting him in the situation at all. Yuuri couldn't only be happiness and rainbows, he had a darkness residing inside of him that refused to come out but something about it all just let the small spurt sneak through. He wanted to punch something. As if that would fix anything.

Viktor nodded in agreement. 'I'm mad too, Yuuri, but try to not take it to heart. Yuri meant no wrong.' Viktor gave Yuuri a caring smile. He too wanted to be furious but seeing the look on Yuri's face had forced him to give up any hope of staying angry. Yuri was broken...and no one could fix him. Especially not with anger.

'I feel terrible, Viktor. I don't know what to do! Should I feel bad? Should I feel guilty? Should I take it back?' Yuuri began to panic, his breathing had picked up a notch but Viktor saw it before it came.

'Yuuri, calm down. You shouldn't feel anything but relief. Nothing came out of being with Yuri.' Viktor lied. He had seen Yuri, the devastation on his face. Yuri had been happy with Yuuri. A lot had come out of their relationship. Viktor couldn't help but be jealous. He hadn't made them smile. He had made them cry, scream and panic. He couldn't make them smile.

Viktor had failed them.

word count: 1070

published: 27.05.17