It was evident since the beginning of their conversation that Viktor did not want to be there. Lily watched him as the scowl framed his face as he crossed his arms protectively over his chest. Yes, she confirmed, Viktor wanted to leave. But, for now, she wouldn't let him. They needed to talk and now was a perfect time. Yuuri would return again soon and Lily didn't want him involved. Well, he was apart of this so there was only so much she could do but she made her best effort to try.
'If you're trying to clear our situation up, there is no need to. I apologise for kissing you. I was in a bad place. I'm sorry that that was put onto you.' Viktor didn't sound sorry but Lily was okay with that. She didn't mind so much anymore. She knew what Viktor felt and despite the longing to end those feelings, it was for no selfish reasons.
She had once liked Viktor. Now, she only felt an impassive sort of companionship with him. What she cared for was Yuuri- the young teenager, so naive and vulnerable. Viktor was different. Viktor had had a long while to explore this world and whether that was good or bad, that didn't change a thing. Viktor was aware of what he was doing yet he still made no attempt to stop it.
She didn't seem to realise that Yuuri was in the exact same position.
No more words were spoken. The silence was thick and heavy, weighing both of their shoulders down until they were hunching into themselves like a crippled old man. Both felt weak. Neither held power over the situation. Viktor couldn't make Yuuri love him or even if Yuuri already did, be with him and Lily couldn't change destiny. She couldn't stop this.
'Well, I guess that's cleared up then.' Lily coughed, breaking the silence. Their eyes locked and another silence fell.
'Yeah, I guess it is.' Viktor frowned, looking Lily up and down. Something wasn't right. Her letting this go in itself wasn't right but something else was happening. Lily didn't look sad nor did she look angry. Her face was masked by determination. The determination to do what, Viktor thought. It set him on edge and he found himself wishing that Yuuri was by his side.
He wasn't sure how that would help.
'No bad blood then?' Lily asked, Viktor nodding in response. It didn't seem like either agreed but it felt too much to bring that up. They had their reasons for keeping the tension but it did nothing to help Viktor's mood as he stalked out of Lily's office and back to his classroom. He had made it for the end of the day and after a reprimanding from the headmaster, he had no lessons left to teach.
He was alone, for now.
Viktor sighed, running his long fingers through his hair, ruffling it slightly. He wanted to bash his head against the desk and only restrained for the fear of pain. How had he even ended up like this? Only an hour or two ago he was happy with Yuuri.
The hour after that just hadn't gone so well.
He had driven to which he had encountered the most traffic he had in years and when he finally did get to the school, there were no parking spaces left. With his good mood then lost, he had talked to the headmaster, taking the lecture without backing away. His charm had seemed to have run out. Then, Lily had pulled him aside. It couldn't have gotten worse. Their conversation had ensued and now, as he rested his head on the table, he wishes he had just defied Yuuri's wishes. Staying with him would have been much more fun.
But, then again, if he had, he doubted his future then wouldn't be much better than his present now. It didn't matter now anyway, Viktor was stuck with this reality now. He couldn't get out of it. He didn't mind too much, there was plenty to be happy about. Although, it just didn't seem to cancel out the plethora of things that were bringing him down.
He tried to remain positive despite the hard times but he couldn't always do it. His smiles seemed to falter at the worst of times and he felt as if, somehow, he was failing those around him. That feeling had become so common now. It seemed that each and every person he knew had fallen into the trap of sadness.
He thought he had too.
For the first time in a while, he wishes to be home, with Makka by his side. He missed his dog, he felt as if he had been neglecting them for far too long now. His dog had once been the bane of his existence. But them, Yuuri had come along and distracted him from all of it. He suddenly felt even worse than before.
Viktor reflected on the last months with a new found perspective. He had messed this up, big time. At every twist and turn, he felt as if he had done the wrong thing. He felt cursed. He lifted his head front the desk and watched as his hands shook.
He shouldn't be letting this get to him so badly, he thought. And with that, he stood. Less determination than usual but a set look crossing his face to at least project that he had a task- no matter how minor.
He walked out the classroom, grabbing his bag on the way out. He looked back one last time to see that the desks had been moved. Someone had been in here. He shrugged it off; it had most likely been Yurio. He wondered what he was moving desks for, though.
He made his way home, his shoulders slumped and his hands still trembling lightly. He begged his hands to calm down, he needed to drive after all, but they didn't listen. He drove anyway, hoping that his trembling body wouldn't throw him off the side of the road.
He managed to return home safely apart from a few nail prints in his hand where he had clenched it too hard. He found his way into the apartment block easily, the door unlocked- he would have to remind his neighbour, Chris, to stop doing that. Getting into his own apartment was a little more difficult, the key never quite making it into the lock but after his fifth attempt the door opened and he was flooded with relief.
Makkachin greeted him happily, bouncing over to him and standing on his hind legs as if to reach Viktor's height. He produced a wan smile and hugged his dog carefully. They were getting old now, he had decided long ago to try and be gentle with them.
He brought them to the sofa, both sitting on the oddly uncomfortable material. Viktor sighed, running his hand through Makka's soft fur and relished in the silence that he hadn't had in a long time. At least, not a wanted silence. He welcomed the peace in open arms because for once, he realised that it wasn't him that was doing any wrong, it was simply life taking its path. He couldn't do anything.
The curse he had was hindsight. But everyone was cursed with that; they just have to live with it.
Viktor got ready for bed a few hours later after taking Makka for a walk around the park, not only to deplete some of Makka's built up energy but some of his anxiety as well.
'Night, Makka!' He called out. It felt less lonely to say goodnight to someone, even if it was his dog. But, he wished that he didn't have to. He wished that Yuuri was there.
He should have known that that dream was impossible.
At least, for now.
word count: 1317
published: 14.07.17
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Allodoxaphobia ♅ Viktuuri
Fanfiction''i have the ability to control the will of others, yuuri. and...and i hate it,, //Allodoxaphobia. Noun. A fear of other people's opinions// Yuuri can't face the world, he's not ready, not yet. But, there's no avoiding life. Yuuri must fight his...
