My Name Is Alexander [LAMS]

Run, Then Stop

TW: Self-Harm and depression related stuff, stay safe!

He shouldn't be proud of what he'd done. He shouldn't be. He shouldn't be.

Yet still he was.

He watched the pool of blood on the floor and the endless lines of red covering his arm, covering his heart. Maybe he had exceded himself a little this time.

He cleaned the bathroom and his wounds, threw the razor to the trashcan and hoped his emotions would go with it. No one needed to know what took place on the room where it happened.

Knowing well he had to cover the scars he put on a jacket that he had stolen a while ago from John–

John.

John is going to be so disappointed at Alex if he finds out. When he finds out. He can't hide his scars to John, he knows he can't. He curled into a ball besides the bathtub as he tried to calm himself down.

What was he gonna do?

—~•~—

The next day Alexander went to school and avoided John. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one.

He felt like a shitty friend. He was a shitty friend. John didn't deserve to be ignored, he deserves all the attention and love in the world and he wishes he could give it to him but instead he hid from the boy he loves fearing to see the look on his face, the disappointment on his eyes when he noticed that Alex had broken his promise, when he noticed that Alex wasn't strong enough. Everyday he would hang out with the Slut-Shaming Club and whenever he heard John's voice or his footsteps coming close he would run, like he always did. Run from his problems, run from his fears.

Unfortunately he also had to run from his brother and his friend, he knew John would be with Lafayette and Hercules and he didn't want to face them and be asked why is he running?

In the morning he would wake up so early, grab only an apple and run to school before Lafayette or the Washingtons woke up. When he came back he hid on his room and wouldn't go out until it was midnight to eat some cereal while sitting on the kitchen counter. He felt like he didn't saw his family anymore. And it was his fault.

He was running from his family.

Running from love.

Running from being hurt.

Running from life.

It was an endless race with no winner.

—~•~—

"You need to put your shit together lil lion" Maria had said out of the blue one day.

"What?"

"You and Turtle have problems, I don't care what happened but it's painful to watch one without the other" Straight to the point as always.

"You two look miserable" Sally agreed.

"John and I aren't fighting, I'm just being an idiot"

"Then just stop"

"I can't"

"You can" Maria insisted.

"At least tell the poor boy what he did wrong"

"He didn't do anything wrong"

"And yet we still have to hear him cry while asking himself what he'd done wrong"

"Did one of you confessed your feelings but they were unrequited!?" Sally asked with an interested expression on her face.

"What? No, it doesn't have anything to do with my feelings for John"

"Just– please talk to him, you guys are miserable without each other"

He sighed, giving up to the two girls. "Alright, I'll do it"

—~•~—

After school he stood in front of John's door finding the courage to just raise his arm and knock but he couldn't. His heart beat was loud like church bells, hurting his ears, hurting his chest. He felt like drowning while being trapped in a rollercoaster covered in fire and he couldn't scream, he couldn't move, he couldn't breathe. He knew he had to knock but his hand didn't move, maybe it was because he didn't want it to move, he didn't want to see John but that was a lie. He longed for the boy but he's afraid of his disappointed eyes. A few minutes passed and before he could stop himself he banged at the door, regretting it instantly. He was going to turn around and run to his house, and then hide on his bathroom but the door was already opening and John was standing in front of him.

"Lex?"