My Ex-Best Friend

Chapter 32

           

Dawn had broken and I knew soon enough I would be able to see Carter's face more clearly.

It was time to start talking.

"It's complicated for so many reasons," I started to say. "You were gone for years and technically you're still going to be out of my life, so on that level I don't even know if there's any point pursuing anything when you're leaving in a few days." I took a deep breath and frowned as I thought about how to continue.

"Then there's the fact that I have never been in a relationship before and I have no idea how to be in one, let alone a long distance relationship," I continued to explain, as my mind felt like it was being bombarded with so many different reasons as to why being with Carter was a bad idea.

"I mean I might invest in something with you and then you'll just find me overbearing or boring...or you might be thinking something or want something and I'll have no idea because I have no experience and you'll get frustrated and then I won't know what to do and then we'll break up anyway," I explained and I could feel myself starting to rant so I stopped talking and took a deep breath.

"I mean..." I trailed off, not sure how to phrase the next part. I didn't want to blame him for something that wasn't his fault because Derek and my lack of experience wasn't his fault. "Look I," I stopped myself, not sure how to say what I was thinking.

How do I tell him that I'm obsessed with him, that the thought of being with him is both exciting and terrifying, that he can do better, that I had plans that he's messing with? I didn't know how to phrase my thoughts without them coming across as excuses.

And I didn't want to make up excuses because that would push him away. He'd misinterpret that as me trying to politely tell him that I wasn't interested.

And that right there was the damn problem. I was interested. He hadn't been a complete sweetheart or the perfect example of everything I wanted in a guy but he had captured my heart in more than one way and I didn't know how to take it back.

How could I tell him that I wanted him but now wasn't the right time in a way he would understand? I mean he wasn't even sure if I liked him on a deeper level.

Carter hadn't said a word but I could sense what he was thinking, I understood what it meant when his arms dropped from my waist, when he let out a shaky sigh.

Everything I had just said had sounded like excuses.

They were excuses.

Oh God, I was making up excuses already, because I didn't want to get hurt. I was being a selfish cow. I mean what would I really get out of it if I told him right now that I didn't want this? I would be lying to myself and to him and I'd probably be stuck thinking 'what if?' for the rest of my life. I would lose a good friend and a potentially great boyfriend. I would push him away and possibly never see him again. I would regret my decision for a long time to come – I could already feel regret pooling in the pit of my stomach at the direction this conversation was taking.

The only thing I would gain would be that I could still go ahead with my plans to get Derek back.

But as I looked at Carter, suddenly getting back at Derek didn't seem worth it. Derek was not worth any of my time or my efforts. He had caused me enough pain over the years, controlled every relationship and every move I made.

I stood there, shock consuming me as I realised just how much Derek had gotten to me. Almost everything I did was with Derek in mind, calculating how he would fit into the picture. Which meant he had more control over me than even I realised, even more than he knew, and he didn't deserve any of it. He didn't deserve any of my efforts, even a second of my time or even a thought in my head. Yet here I was giving him all of that and more.