Inner Demons

Chapter 20

After about 30 minutes of crying at Ryan's grave, dad helped me up and we went home. Can I even still call it home? Home is with who your heart lies, so I guess my heart is already in the grave. Maybe that's why it hurt so bad.

Dad asked me to help him with dinner, I wasn't hungry but I still helped him by slicing up some vegetables. I was just about done when I nearly dropped the knife on my foot, I looked at my leg because I saw something red. I had cut my leg and didn't even feel it, my mind was so numb to everything I couldn't even feel pain, even if the physical pain could've been a distraction from the emotional I wouldn't feel it. "Dad?" He turned to look at me and I showed him my leg, he ran out the room and came back with a first aid kit. Telling me to sit on the counter he bandaged my leg, I still didn't feel anything though. What was wrong with me?

After dinner I had to test a theory so I locked myself in my bathroom acting like I was sick, then I put my arm over the sink and did a cut, just enough to break the skin and I could feel it. Hissing with pain I had to hide it now, but it did distract me momentarily. I wrapped my arm up and hid away the razor I broke, then I put on Ryan's hoodie and made sure the sleeves were rolled down this time.

I did this only a few more times when I felt like I was losing my grip on reality. I would just do a small cut to know that, yes I am still alive, before I would get rid of the evidence and put on Ryan's hoodie. I had never felt like my life would come to this even when I was in high school I never resorted to cutting myself to stay in control.

Matt and Jon keep calling me, my voice is gone from all the crying I've done though so I can't talk, I don't want to talk. I don't want to do anything, not eat, not sleep, not play games, I just want to see Ryan again. If I could've switched with him I would've, I'd rather him be alive than me, it should've been me that was hit. I wrote a note to them on a poster and turned on my camera for Skype. At first they seem relived that I answered but then they see how bad I look and that I'm holding a note for them to read that says:
Hey guys, sorry for everything. Ryan and I were hit by a drunk driver while we were out walking and Ryan didn't make it. I have not stopped crying since, I have no voice, I can't sleep, can't eat, I feel sick all the time. I just want Ryan back. I don't think I'm going to do YouTube anymore either. It's too much when I had Ryan as my partner to play games with. He was the best person I have ever had in my life, he helped me be happy again that's all I had wanted and now he's gone because of me. I'm the one that suggested we go walking and because of me Ryan isn't here to make everyone laugh. The day that Ryan died the sun did not shine for me all I could see was a void of darkness. So I'm sorry, I'm going to Ryan's grave. Good bye. I can hear them saying they were on their way, I could hear them say that Ryan wouldn't want this, but I don't care I just want Ryan back I write a note that's close to that one but better and I leave it for dad to find up in my room, then I turn off my chat, the guys were gone from their chairs anyway, and I sneak out the window.

The sun was about to set as I made it to the cemetery. I look for Ryan's headstone, they all look the same when your vision is blurry from tears, but I finally find it. I look back to the best day I ever had with Ryan, that day that we skipped school because I had been beat up. I remembered how we had played games and had a picnic, I remember sketching him, and I remember him singing to me, I can still hear him singing it to me.
"If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and, just forget the world."
"While you lay there, while you just lay there, yes I'll lie with you and, just forget the world," I sang as I sat down next to his grave. I rolled up my sleeves and took off the previous bandages, then I took out the box cutter that I had taken from home and slowly cut into my skin. It hurt but after this I would see Ryan again we would be together again. I made cut after cut, I started cutting faster once I got used to the pain, the blood was running down my arms, I dropped the box cutter when I started feeling the blood loss take over my body. I was feeling tired, I laid down next to Ryan's headstone and closed my eyes.