Aurora | H.S.

22. forced smiles

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Sleepless nights aren't new for me. When I first had Eliana I didn't sleep, even when I had my parents to help. Months after having her, she finally slept peacefully through her first night. That night I couldn't sleep, though. My anxious thoughts had me thinking about our futures and how our lives would unravel together. I was scared that I'd fail her and myself, that I'd never be able to give her the life she deserves.

As time went on, those thoughts were less and less, but still make their appearance every so often. Now, my nights revolve around loneliness. That horrifying silence in the middle of the night is enough that I can't close my eyes. I toss and turn, rolling onto the other side of the bed that's always vacant. These last two days I've been laying there in hopes to comfort myself because it's where Harry's slept a few times.

Burned in the back of my mind is his face and the words he spewed to me on Friday. "I accepted the job in the city." I came to realize through my sleepless nights that he was always hiding more than I thought. That maybe, after all, he had made his decision before he even met me. For once in my life I saw an ending to the constant taunting and the whispers behind my back because despite everything I say, I do care what people think.

Maybe this hurts more than it did with Austin because I actually grew to love someone enough to see a bright future with them, that my hopefulness wasn't forced. With Austin, I always knew deep down that our relationship wasn't destined to be. It's partially the reason why I never ran after him when he left for the city. But why should I do all the running?

Yesterday, I spent the day inside with Eliana. It was raining anyway, which made it the perfect day to sit back and watch movies and play with her stuffed animals. Today, however, the sun is back and the sky is clear. It's blue all the way to the horizon where is fades off into white. Even the nicest of weather can't distract me from the unread texts on my phone, most of which are from Harry.

Sunday's are typically street market days in Faycoast where local businesses set up a small stand to sell food or clothing. I didn't want to go, but Cecilia nearly dragged me here. The streets aren't as crowded as I expected them to be, and I can only assume it's because everyone's using this beautiful day to go to the beach. Eliana walks beside me, her little hand in mind as we walk with Cecilia who keeps rambling on about some date she went on Friday night.

"Ice cream," Eliana says, tugging on my hand. I pick her up, walking her over to the ice cream truck and deciding to get her a cup of vanilla ice cream that we can share. Cecilia gets her own cone with chocolate ice cream, mindlessly letting Eliana take tiny licks of it here and there while we sit on the bench.

"You're oddly quiet today," Cecilia mentions. Eliana shifts in my lap as I spoon out a little more ice cream and put it into her mouth. She hums with happiness, her body swaying, too. "How'd dinner go on Friday? You never texted me after."

"Harry told me he's moving back to the city," I reveal, glancing up at her. Cecilia freezes in her spot, her brows furrowing and her lips parting with shock. I go on, "he accepted a job offer with his dad's company—I'm happy for him. This is what he wants."

"And you believe that?" she questions. "How many times did you have to say that to yourself to actually make it sounds somewhat believable? You and I both know you love him—"

"So what?" I exhale, looking up at her again. "Does that actually mean anything?"

"Diana, it took three years for you to knock down those walls around your heart," she says softly. "It means everything."

I swallow hard, continuing to feed Eliana. Cecilia has never been one to back down, so I know that this conversation isn't over, even if it feels like there's nothing more to say. After a minute or two of silence, she speaks up again, "I don't want to you regret anything, and if you let him go you won't ever forgive yourself."