Fresh off the Ice

Disgraceful Failure

My mom tugs on my jacket even though I know there is nothing to fix, "You have your water? Your skates?" my mom asks. I just want to roll my eyes. We are all standing in the hallway of the hotel room ready to go to my competition. My dad stands ready to go by facing the door and you can feel the tension rolling off him. He was ignoring me which was fine because I was ignoring him. My mom was nervous from both our negative energy and for my competition today.

We walk to the rink and to anyone looking at us from the outside would even see a serious family. As soon as I reach the rink I separate myself from my parents. My mom gives me a hug before I go and my father hardly glances in my direction.

I take a big breath as I am finally separated from my overbearing parents. As I walk to the skaters change room I feel a sharp pain in my shoulder as I'm shoved to the side from force. I look back to see one of my competitors look back and give me snarky look as she looked me up and down, "Watch where you are going, Loser." She turns and walks away confidently. I shake the image of her own out of my head as I enter the back area. I take a deep breath needing to get my mind in the right place.

"Chesa! Where have you been? You need to warm up and get your skates on." Coach comes up to me, "Remember serious and focused head!"

My coach quickly leads me to warm up. My head is swirling lost in thoughts and drowning. I needed a minute to take a breath but no time. One thing led to another and soon I was standing in the arena waiting for my turn on the ice. Crown cheering, skaters all in their own focused world, coaches giving their students pep talk, heck even my coach was giving me some sorta pep talk, ".. and you have to focus on that enter of the triple Sal. You only have once Chesa. Make it count."

Only once... once... once. Everything is a blur and suddenly I'm standing in the middle of the ice all my own in my starting position. Those few seconds in my starting position seemed like forever as thoughts floated through my head... I want a champion daughter for once... It's all you Chesa... One chance... don't mess it up... Loser... My music starts and I react! Off I go I feel my body doing to moves but my heart isn't in it. The first jump comes up and I tense. I jump and stumble on the landing but pull it. I sigh as I am relieved the first jump is done. My eyes travel across the rink as I do my choreography but I see none of it. I could be staring into space right now. I set up for my triple Salchow. I tense and doubt myself as I take off. As quickly as I hit the ice I'm up off the ice. I fell. I fell at sectionals. My chest tightens at the thought. As I skate my body starts to feel numb my limbs not knowing what they are doing. I trip but recover barely. I stumble through the rest of program. With every step and element, my confidence falls and barely hang on. By the end my program my chest is tight from the tense of my muscles, my brain is yelling at the body for not doing what it's supposed to and my eyes burn with the need of tears to pour.

I hold the ending of my program and take a deep breath. No matter how bad I've done you don't show it to the judges, crowd or your competitors. I bow to the audience and skate towards to where my coach is. His face is blank as I get off, knowing everyone, cameras included, are in on his reaction. People don't realize we are actors as much as we are performers. We go and sit in the 'Kiss and Cry' booth to find out my score. I know it will be nothing I want but we will sit and act as though it's good before we go backstage and my coach will tell me what he really thinks.

My heart plummets as my score comes in. The tears want to come to the surface but instead, I force smile and get up to go out of public spotlight. Coach comes up behind me and firmly takes my forearm and leads me to the back change room that's empty before roughly releasing me cornering me.

"What the heck was that Chesa!!" I wince at his rough tone and my tears come to the surface, "I put all this work into you and give you everything you need and you choke! After I take you under my wing and give you the key to winning and make me a champion coach you go out there and give me that! You know how that makes me look?" He yells into my face and a tear few tears escape the confines of my eyelids. My coach looks discussed at my crying, he is a firm believer that tears are meant for your pillow, and I quickly wipe them away. He looks at me in a disappointed way, "You aren't even worth it." He walks away as I stand there with tears running down my face as he walks away. I sit down on the bench and hold my stomach which is twisted with a bunch of feeling as I quietly cry.