Fresh off the Ice

Maybe It's Me

I walk into the rink with my head down. As I make my way to the change room I hear coach's yelling booming across the rink. Glad to see he's in a good mood. I slam my bag into my area and take out my jump rope. I exit the change room ready to get this practice over with already. Random people I knew welcomed me back to the rink but I just ignore them putting my earphones in my ears. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anybody. My life was falling apart and I didn't have time to be miss nice to everybody at the moment.

I start skipping to warm my body up. I put a little more force than usual into my double skips as I am sure a scowl is permanently set on my face. I see Kat waving in my preferable vision and ignore her while I focus. I stop my skipping, breathing hard, and go over to where Kat is stretching to join her. I take out my one earbud to talk to her.

"Hey Chesa." Kat says all cheery which annoys me a bid but I don't show it.

"Hey." I say back not as enthusiastic.

"Weird to be back here after so long, hu?" Kat states as she pulls her foot to her butt stretching her quad while turning her body toward me indicating she was making conversation with me.

"I guess, " I reply shortly. I know I was being a bit harsh since she is just trying to be nice and is not the one causing all the problems in my life but I couldn't help but just shut everyone out. Even the ones who care. I stretch my head to my knees, facing away from Kat.

"So how's Kace? Anymore juicy stories?" My anger flared up at the mention of him. I stand up to look Kat in the eyes.

"So is that all our relationship is to you? Juice stories? Well sorry to disappoint you but we won't be the source of your entertainment anymore." I snap. I knew it wasn't her fault. She didn't know we broke up the night before and the hurt was fresh but something in me just snapped.

Hurt flashed across her eyes, "Hey, no sorry that's not what I meant at all Chesa. I'm sorry you guys broke up." She said apologetically. She added in a whisper, "You didn't have to snap at me like that though."

My anger subsided at her apology, "I'm sorry. It's just been a tough couple of days with this Kace thing, Mark being, well Mark, and nationals pressure."

Kat smiled at me, "Don't worry! I know you'll get through it. You always do."

I shrug at Kat's enthusiasm, "Ya I guess."

We each go back into our warm-up routine. We then go to put our skates on in uncharacteristically quiet change room. The change room lacked the laughter and chatter of when me and Kat were together. My mood seemed to seep out of me into the environment around me.

I walk up and take off my guards to step onto the ice then skate to put my kiss and cry bag in the hockey box. I take my gloves out and slowly skate my way over to my coach. He stands with a scowl on his face and his arms cross.

As reach over to him, he has something to say, "Chesa! What are you doing dilly-dallying? You think we have all day?! You have nationals to get ready for. You better get your butt moving our your father will hear about your laziness."

I just skate away and start my warm up with my beady coach's eyes follow my every move. Every wrong move, according to him.

SLAM! I let out a strangled breath as my butt throbs from the tenth time I've fallen in the last twenty minutes. I put my hands on the ice and push myself up off the ice. I get up to go speeding around the ice to do the exact same thing. After this fall I look up at my coach who seems to be talking to another coach his back turned to me. That's great, I thought, I am the one getting blamed for not working hard enough and my coach isn't even helping me with my jump I am falling on. I gunt as I push myself to my feet again. And I go again.

I move my legs back and forth in crossovers as I gain speed for my jump entry. Determined and frustrated to just land this stupid jump. I hardly wait and push into the entry, slamming my toe into the ice. Though my body goes up though it's not high enough and my weight propels forward, my body trying to save me from my forced jump. My blade hits the ice but doesn't stay there for long as it slides from under me. The next thing to take my force that I propelled myself with, is my hip. Pain shoots through me and my body churls in on its self as if to help with the pain. I lay there on the ice with pain.

"Chesa !" I hear coming my way. I slowly push up to a sitting position as I see coach come over my way with an angry scowl on his face, "What are you thinking? You didn't wait on the take off at all! Are you trying to kill yourself? Stop being stupid and impatient. Again!" Coach skates past me not even caring that I am holding my hip. I know nothing is seriously injured but dang! Did that hurt! It's going to be nice and purple tomorrow. I make my way to my feet and slowly rise, testing the movement of my hip. Ya, I'm defiantly going to be feeling that.

"Chesa stop being a baby! I don't have all day !" My coach yells over from the other side of the ice. One of the other coaches looks at me and mouths 'Are you okay?" I nod my head and smile, more like a grimace her way. Whoever said figure skaters aren't tough seriously needs to try putting all your force into a jump then having the same force come down on you when you land wrong.

I start my crossovers with a little less speed this time. I was a little timid but who could blame me? Though my body was a little unsure about this jump because of the repercussions of the last time I did it, it didn't matter. I had to fully commit to the jump no matter the outcome. Because it's better to commit and fail then to bail and never know what you truly capable of.

I take my time as I push up off the ice. I rotate, feeling more comfortable this time, my foot hits the ice and for a second I feel like I could land it but my body not confident enough didn't snap into action quickly enough and the next thing to hit the ice is my butt as I slide on the slippery but hard ice. And that is pretty much how the rest of my session went. Jump, hit, slide. Jump, hit, slide. It's not only a beat down on your body but on your confidence but you never stop fighting for that landing.

I walk back into the change room my shoulders sagging, my feet dragging and my mood worse. Kat is already sitting down taking off her skates. Suddenly these overwhelming angry and frustrating feelings come over me. I take my tissue box and fling it to the wall.

Kat sits up startled, "Whoa, what's wrong with you?"

I frustratedly slump down on the bench, "My life is a mess! Everything seems to be against me! Even my jumps." I whine out.

"Well, the only thing that can make it any better is you." Kat says almost under her breath.

My head snaps into her direction angry, "What?"

Kat looks at my angry expression and sighs, "Look, the only one you can blame is yourself. Your attitude to it. Kace is not talking to you. So what? You never had to have a boy to make you happy before. Your parents are putting pressure on you like they always do? Ignore them like you always do and do it for yourself. Mark is annoying you and taking advantage of you? Well you know what, stand up to him dangit and don't let him walk all over you! Your jumps aren't working? Practice them until they do! Your life is what you make it Chesa so get up off your butt and MAKE it better!"

Kat gets up and walks out of the change room while I am sitting there shocked. I sit there the anger and frustration gone. Though Kat's speech didn't make me feel better it got me thinking. I slowly packed my things away silently and walk out of the ice rink. For the first time, I look at my situation a little different maybe. Maybe the probably wasn't Kace, or my parents, or even Mark. Maybe the problem with my life was me.