Cherry Wine {lex luthor}

chapter ten

Fear is one thing that once you have felt it once, it never quite goes away. It sinks its talons deep into your flesh, and there it stays, weighing you down until you either break away or succumb.

I always thought I was the type to break away, to get free. I had spent months before the accident trying to free myself from its grip. It's hard to let go, though, when what you're afraid of stares you in the face everyday.

I always thought I was stronger than my psyche. It turns out that not only am I so much weaker than my own mind, I am gullible and foolish enough to believe that I would ever be free from fear.

Nighttime is the worst time to have bad thoughts in your head. During the day, they go away, distracted by the sun and by life, but in the dark they come swimming back. Uninhibited and unshackled, they attack.

I lay awake in bed, hyper aware of the sound of deep, even breathing coming from the sofa under the window. Despite my insistence, Lex had made himself comfortable in my room. I had tried to protest, I had tried to argue, but Lex was powerful, even outside the office.

"Ruth, don't fuss at me." His voice had deepened in pitch, his eyes and face dark and serious. "I will do what I believe is best, whether you like it or not."

And when I had tried to close the door and jump in bed before he had the chance to come in, I was met with even more forceful demands.

"Ruth, if you don't open this door in ten seconds, I will kick it down." He had threatened, despite the door lacking a lock entirely.

We had settled, finally, on a compromise. If I slept soundly tonight, I would be allowed to sleep alone. I had every intention of sleeping alone anyways, but I couldn't deny the fact that his presence soothed my frayed nerves enough to ease me into sleep.

Of course it didn't last.

I woke up screaming so fiercely that my lips split at the edges, blood pooling on my chin and running down to my neck. Lex was already awake, the bedside lamp switched on. He looked concerned and sad.

"Ruth." He said. "It's okay, I'm here." He wiped the blood away from my mouth with his thumb. My mouth twisted with the acrid, coppery taste of it.

"Did I hit you again?" I asked, his hand holding my wrist down on the bed. He shook his head, moving his hand to intertwine our fingers.

"You were clawing at yourself in your sleep." He traced lines over my inner arms and collarbones. "Stay here. I'll get a washcloth."

He stood, and looked down at me, an impenetrable sadness flitting across his face. The bathroom light flicked on, and I heard the tap running.

My arms stung, and I looked down at the raised nail marks that marred them. I ran my fingertips over my chest, and felt the braille of scrapes that crisscrossed it.

Lex came back, a warm washcloth in hand. He sat at the edge of the bed, and dabbed the blood from my mouth and chin. He lifted my head to clean along my jaw, and down the slope of my neck and into the hollow of my throat. I closed my eyes, the sensation of the gentle touch calming my racing heart. He was so close I could smell his soap and shampoo, the smell of pepper and sunshine overwhelming me.

"Thank you." I said, as he turned my arm over to clean the scratches. He brushed a hand over the delicate flesh, and I shivered as he brought my hand up to kiss to inside of my wrist.

"I know you won't tell me what's going on in that head." He said, his lips moving against my thin skin. "But I can't bear to see you hurt, my Ruth."

I tugged my hand away, and slid forward on the bed, so I was practically on his lap. I rested my head on his shoulder, and he reached up to stroke my hair.

"I'm sorry." I said into his shirt. "I hate upsetting you."

He kissed the top of my head, and leaned away.

"Never apologize, darling. Everything about you endears you to me, all your fears and your idiosyncrasies."

"Sleep with me?" I asked, and he quirked an eyebrow.

I blushed and laughed a little, covering my face. "Not what I meant!" I giggled. "You know that!"

Lex smiled, and nodded, his eyes closed. "Anything for you, my darling." He stood up, and pulled the covers back, allowing me to slide down, my hair fanning out around me. He sat down, and combed his fingers through my long hair.

"Lex?" I asked, my eyelids growing heavy.

"Hmm?" He responded, moving his hands from my hair to around my shoulders, pulling me flush to his side.

"If I hadn't been downtown that day, do you still think we would have met?"

Lex sighed deeply. "Do I believe in fate, you mean?"

I nodded against him.

"No. But I think you and I were meant to be with each other. I've been-I've spent time with so many girls, and none have made me care before."

"What do you mean, care?" I ignored the part about the other girls, reminding myself that he was a rich young man-of course he'd been with other girls. I swallowed the ball of jealousy in my throat, and let him answer.

"I don't care about people, Ruth. I see people as pawns-I can't help it. Everyone but you. You make me feel alive."

I felt my shoulders and stomach relax for what felt like the first time in weeks. Lex was clearly wide awake, but I was beginning to drift off, my mind sliding deeper into a dreamscape.

"I love you." I murmured, unaware of what I was saying, only trying to get the warmth out of my chest. I had no doubts on my feelings, but I did about his feelings for me.

There was a long silence, and Lex sighed, a painful, deep sigh. He pressed a kiss to my temple, hard and long.

"You don't know what you're saying, Ruth. Sleep, baby."