Cherry Wine {lex luthor}

chapter thirty six

There is no real way to describe my whirlwind emotions in those terrible hours. I stayed in that bathroom, two locked doors between me and the man I knew loved me. I was petrified. My fear seemed to be some sort of holdover from my time with Alistair, a primal urge kicking in-a life preserving instinct to hide.
I knew Lex wouldn't hurt me. He had told me in no uncertain terms that I was the one person he would never lay a finger on; and yet I could not bring myself to open the door.

Lex's voice no longer floated through the walls. Wherever he was looking, it wasn't anywhere nearby. I hoped he had given up.

There was only one clear thought in my head; I could not keep living this way, afraid and trembling.  I was tired of being weak, of entrusting my life to other people, over and over. I had to do something. I had to take control again, even if it was the last thing I would do.

There was a first aid kit under the sink, a full bottle of painkillers inside it, just the way I knew there would be.

The sound of the tap seemed deafening as it thundered against the porcelain sink. I put the plug in, let it fill up. I didn't have a glass, so my hands would have to do. I held my breath for a few moments, making sure Lex hadn't heard the water. There was silence in the house.

The first handful went down easily. The second was harder. My hand was shaking so hard by the third that half of them went tumbling to the floor. The fourth handful missed my mouth entirely, because my vision was blurring in and out.

I should have been sitting, instead of hunched over the sink like an animal. A stupid mistake. My legs went out from underneath me, bile rising in my throat. I landed hard, my cast cracking against the lip of the tub.

I must have miscalculated, or guessed wrong about where Lex was, because within seconds I heard footsteps. I was drifting in and out of consciousness, but I heard when he kicked the first door down, and saw the wood splinters go flying when he kicked down the second.

"Oh, shit." He swore, as he took in the scene. "No, Ruth. No no no."

I wanted to sit up, to tell him it was alright, that this was the best option. That I wouldn't be a burden.. That he didn't have to worry about me anymore. That he could go back to his normal life, whatever that was, but my body wasn't responding. With great struggle, I forced my eyes open, and managed to whisper, just barely.

"I love you."

Lex grabbed my chin, shaking it.

"Stay with me, Ruth." He said. "Come on. Don't give up. Don't you dare give up."

I let my eyes sink closed again. I was so, so tired. Everything felt silky smooth, like the edge had gone off the world.

"You have to stay awake." Lex pleaded. "Ruth. You have to stay awake. Please, baby."

I smiled a little, letting the blackness take over. It was nice, like a warm blanket being pulled over me, or being floated gently in the ocean. One by one, my limbs dropped away, until I was nothing but one thought drifting in a dark pool of stars.

And then there was nothing.

***

"Clear!"

A jolt went through my body, pulling me rudely back from the dream. My eyes flew open, cold blue light burning into my retinas. I was disoriented, masked faces swimming above me.

"She's awake." Someone said. "Ruth, do you know where you are?"

I did not answer, but instead leaned over the side of whatever I was laying on and vomited. The smell of disinfectant flooded my nose, and the blue scrubs surrounding me made me want to scream. I was in the hospital. Again.