A Day In The Life Of A Girl Who Hopes

Chapter 34: Tribute

Don't comment, don't like, don't do anything and just read. Let this wash over you and try to understand.

When you feel alone while you're surrounded by your best friends, that is true sadness. They look at you and hear you but they don't see, they don't listen. They don't see the tempest raging war in your eyes, trying to burst out with the floods you are holding in. They don't listen when you say that things are okay when they're actually not, nor do they hear the cynicism behind your words.

You sit there, waiting for them to ask, watching them move on with their lives as they slip away from yours. Sure, they care about you and sure, they treat you the same. But only you can see the slight changes, the shift in bonds as you watch them forget. You watch them talk about taking care of others when they never took care of you in that way. And then the guilt sets in. You can't say that, just like you can't voice how strongly you disagree with their opinions, it's too selfish. The self-loathing follows soon after. You feel weak because, guess what? You almost gave in to narcissism, but the world can't revolve around you. You're not the only person on this is planet. But...you just kinda wish it did. You wish that for once you could feel like you aren't mediocre or inadequate. That the world sees YOU, that they acknowledge you for all the hard work you put in to what you do.

It's wrong though. That selfishness, that jealousy. You feel like maybe if you could just be with your friends like normal again then everything will be fine. That they'll treat you like you're apart of something, keep you on the inside, not hide things from you in an attempt to not hurt your feelings. But that's not the case. They continue to do the opposite and you watch, telling yourself it's okay and trying to convince yourself at the same time...but it's not! It's not...and it...hurts.

You go home then. After a day of doing nothing but work because your whole life is school and home, nothing more and nothing less: you're a robot. You try to get about life as normal. You sneak on your phone to attempt to feel like you actually have a social life but then you remember...you're unable to talk to half of your friends simply because they are of a different gender to you or the whole group is too distracting. So again, you're out of the loop: excluded, and now you're just a burden.

And it's so frustrating how you're surrounded by people who love you, who tell you how much you mean to them every day, but you still can't do it anymore. You can't handle the stress, you hate how lazy you are to change and you're beating yourself internally because of how awful you are. You want to end the pain but you can't. Religion makes it so that if you were to follow through, you would burn in Hell for the rest of your days. So you're stuck here...on this stupid planet, living your robotic lifestyle.

The pain you inflict on yourself becomes an addiction, an obsession. It's not physical, it's emotional and it becomes your heroine. This emotional masochism is the only thing that reminds you of the step that it takes to fall of the edge and how all you need is a little push.

You hate it though. As much as you enjoy it, you loathe how cruel it is, how thick that lump of tears are in your throat. So you spend your days trying to forget and it works. For two days, you're smiling and bubbly but then...One word, one action, one trigger and it's a

Down
ward
spiral....

It's wasn't even their fault. They didn't know what they had done, but you did and you somehow managed to make it all about you again. You began the cycle again and the emotional torment returns.

They think they understand but they don't. They don't shed the tears you shed. They don't think the way you are and they could never. They can try to help you but you don't actually want to be helped. And if you tell anyone that, they say you're being immature, they say you need to rethink this. But you've thought enough and you're sick of it. And now you have to spend the rest of your life like this. All that's left are three more stages in this robotic, evil world: adulthood, old age and what you consider to be the greatest mercy...

Death.

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Author's Note:

I'm sure you're wondering why I posted this. I don't have an answer except for the fact that people only care when something exponentially happy is occurring or something severe. This book isn't meant to just be for my happy, crazy vendettas. It's meant for honesty. So here is some honesty. Whether it's from my perspective or not is irrelevant, but I hope that it shares a message to people. And this is it:

Wake up dammit! Someone might need you and you aren't seeing it.