Yes, Master

Ch 45: One way to your heart

   Thank you so much for 100K my lil muffins! I can't believe we hit the hundred so quickly 😱 I cannot express how grateful I am. Y'all are keeping the 1K+ reads on every chapter and it's making me squeekk 😍😘 Love you to infinity! Enjoy this long ass chapter cause u deserved it.

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Xander

It was torture.. True torture knowing the coldness that was dominating in her was all because of me.. All because of the words I said that night.. All because of a damn mistake I could not allow to repeat.

But that was something to think of after.. At that point, all I could think of was her. It was always like that. I was used to it.. But this.. This was growing into something else. Something more. Something unbearable for me to even know how to handle.

It was the guilt that was starting to eat me alive. She popped in my head every few seconds, and like some curse suddenly coming upon me, the picture that appeared was her standing in front of me with that striking look behind those blue eyes, the hurt I saw that night the very second I said those words.

I didn't sleep that night. I couldn't. Not with the thought of what I did. Not without her. I could't. I didn't even bother trying to go to bed. I just glanced at the made white sheets, the empty room, and I felt the kind of torture that I never felt before.

It was new to me. It was a new thing learning to deal with all of it.. All of those feelings that went through me.. The fear that appeared with the thought of losing her. It was not the kind of fear that some felt when they thought of death.

No, it was the kind that crawled throughout your entire body, the kind that gripped and controlled every thought that went through your head.. Yet there was actually one damned thought. Emptiness.

It was fear from feeling that emptiness again. From letting my own demons control me. Letting my own darkness consume me. Because, without her, that was the doom that was expecting me.

She was always going to be the only one that knew how to erase that coldness and darkness from within me. To tame it at least. She didn't fear me, and that was one of the things I loved about her. She didn't fear daring me to my highest, whether it was anger or temptation, feelings or loneliness..

She even let me get to the point where I thought there was no return, and once she was assured she had made her point, she would back away.. Just like how at that point, she was torturing me with her cold act, making me so painfully and slowly regret every single second of that argument, creating the kind of suffering from within me that had me at my weakest.

Just like with every other thing, she pushed it till the very end of that durability, resistance I had left.. She made me lose it all within one night. One night without her and I was ready to get on my knees and beg for her to quit whatever game she was playing, only to save myself from having to go through that kind of torture I felt that night I had spent without her near me.

I could not handle the fact that she was not there to keep my darkness from fully consuming me, allowing my demons to make me suffer to the fullest.. She made me see the weakness that she was for me, and I never felt my strength fall to the very minimum with the slightest effort from someone..

Anger. I felt anger. Firstly towards myself for allowing a woman control such huge part of me. For allowing myself such weakness consume me because of an argument with this girl that I feared to admit I was obsessing over.

Then I was angry with her for using all of that against me. For playing that unfair game and for winning.. For probably even finding satisfaction that she could so easily cause so much pain.. With simply turning her back at least once, every single inch of my world broke to pieces, and I didn't even want to think of what that world would be like without her. I tried forgetting what it used to be.