3 - johnlock [EDITING]

13

(back to sherlock buddy buddy pal pal pov)

john came into the room. my eyes were finally starting to clear up, so i could see his outline. god, what the hell was he gonna say to me.

john: how dare you be so careless, sherlock! you can't just do that!! that was a dick move, even if you didn't mean to do it.

i was silent. i don't know if it was the drugs or the sleep deprivation or if it was 3 am, but i didn't want to lie to john.

john: it wasn't a mistake, was it.

not a question.

me: no, john. i know exactly how much of every substance my body can have. but i knew mycroft would show up. he always does.

stupidly, i thought, but didn't say it out load.

john: he wasn't going to though, sherlock! i had to call him. and i don't know what would have happened if you- like that- my fault.

me: again, john, please use your words to make sense and not as jumbled chains of thoughts.

john: no apologies from you.

me: what do i have to apologize for?

john: yelling at me! almost dying- no, almost killing yourself-

me: please, john, i knew i wouldn't die. just.. wanted to get close to it.

john moved and sat down next to me. his face was only slightly blurred now, i could see all his features. for a moment, i let myself imagine being with john. kissing him.. loving him. i couldn't imagine. it was crazy. i cared for john, but i don't know how. he pulled me in for a hug.

me: i don't have sentiment, john.

then he kissed me again. this time, i didn't react. i kissed back, and imagined us being like this. i imagined dating him. but what difference would that be to just being friends? he pulled away.

john: we need to stop ending arguments like this.

for a moment, i am quiet. collecting my thoughts and how i felt about that.. event.

me: i don't expect you to understand john, but you will need to wait. i don't understand this, at all, and that is rare for me. you need to leave me be to collect my thoughts and emotions and then maybe this will work. i need to go slow. not want, need. i need you to understand that i can't be normal. i will not be sweet and loving, at least, not for a while. i need to adjust. i'm sorry John, but can we please not continue this for a bit? i need to think.

john looked at me, a bit shocked, i'm guessing. he took a deep breath.

john: yeah, ok, whatever you need. but things can't be awkward between us. and let me know if you change your mind.

he got up to leave.

me: oh john, i will.

i heard him chuckle as he left the room.

(hey friens thx for reading!! just wanted to let you know; yes this story is sad. there are sad parts and messed up back stories. sorry if you were expecting fluff, but that will not come till later. ABD if you were expecting sumt, you might want to go elsewhere lmao.
-- chlo)