3 - johnlock [EDITING]

14

(a/n: so, in all honesty, i was about to go to sleep, but it is 3 am right now so, in true story fashion of when this idea was conceived, i'm going to write a chapter.)

(trigger warning)

it's been a month.

a month since john kissed me in the hospital and i told him i needed time. a month since he got up at 3 am. i don't know if he doesn't wake up, or just doesn't want to talk to me, but i leave it be. during the day, everything is the same. cases have been ok, except for those few days when i was deathly bored. those days were hell.

but now i'm awake and it is 3 am and, since john isn't here, the only thing holding me back from going to the bathroom and slicing my skin is.. nothing. i could go in there and get it over with, but something holds me back. instead, i sit here reveling in self hatred and wishing john would wake up, but also glad he isn't here.

i've been paying more attention to john recently. i would not mind him kissing me again, the heat of his lips on mine, however short. the strangely human feeling of his hand on mine, like in the hospital. i have looked at his lips, saddened if i would never feel them again. is that love?

i take note if i get jealous when women flirt with him. i can't really explain the feeling that floods through me. a shiver, a pang, a moment of worry. of what, i don't know. i've caught myself feeling this way a few times. is that love?

i've stared at john. when he blogs, i stare at him instead of being in my mind palace like he thinks i am. my favorite feature of his is his nose. it fits him well. i would not mind holding his hand in public and showing he was mine, but if not slightly humiliated for calling myself a sociopath. is that love?

f*ck it, to the bathroom i go. emotions are too much, how does john deal with them.